Marriage rarely fixes bad habits, and the warning signs you ignore while dating can become much harder to live with later.
Never his fault
Notice how often a man refuses to take accountability for anything. His boss is unfair, his ex was insane, his friends stabbed him in the back, and there’s always someone to blame when he and his friends fight. We all have reason to complain sometimes, but when someone makes excuses non-stop, that’s a problem.
Marriage is full of slip-ups, arguments, and sacrifices. If he can’t admit fault during the relationship, you might become the convenient scapegoat later.
Walking on eggshells
Everyone loses their temper sometimes. Regularly intimidating those around him is not normal behavior. See if small annoyances send him into tirades of yelling, pounding on walls, breaking things, speeding off, threats of violence, or trying to scare you.
You shouldn’t feel like you have to walk on eggshells and weigh your words because you’re afraid he’ll start another violent outburst.
No means maybe
You explicitly tell him you’re not okay with something, but he hassles you until you agree to it anyway. Maybe he dismisses your desire for personal space, guilt trips you into doing things with him, or sees “no” as a negotiable answer. Tiny infractions can teach you a lot about how much he respects your independence.
Marriage is about compromise. But compromising with someone involves two people meeting each other halfway; not one person grinding until the other person relents.
Changing stories
One lie may be a mistake, but a pattern of lying creates a relationship where you always question what’s real. He may lie about spending money, embellish stories, delete conversations, or lie about little things because it’s just easier not to tell the truth.
If you find yourself routinely questioning what your partner says, the trust is already broken. You can’t build a marriage when even basic information isn’t trustworthy.
Money disappears
Money habits become even more important when two lives are joined both legally and practically. Take note if he lives beyond his means regularly, hides debts or borrowing from people, doesn’t pay people back, gambles away hard-earned cash or is secretive when it comes to finances.
He doesn’t have to be rich to be a good husband. Responsibility is far more important. A small income spent wisely can provide much more security than a large income with unknown debt and wild spending.
Keeping score
Healthy couples fight. What’s unhealthy is when every fight turns into a contest that he feels he must win at all costs. He may interrupt you, ridicule your position, hold grudges about unrelated issues, or simply refuse to let go of the argument.
Marriage is a partnership where both people need to be able to say “I hear you.” When winning an argument becomes more important to him than resolving the issue, petty disagreements become dreadful wars of attrition.
The cold shoulder
It’s okay to take a break if you are arguing heatedly, as long as you both agree to it. There is a difference between that and stonewalling someone as a means of control or punishment.
If your husband goes cold for days, ignores logical questions, or withholds sex and affection until you apologize, he’s not communicating. Issues will not go away because no one addresses them. How you both handle returning to tough topics and solving them is crucial in a long marriage.
Behind closed doors
Pay attention to how he treats people when he has nothing to gain by impressing them. A person can be nice to a date and still be rude to waiters or cleaners, or abusive to animals or obnoxious to people he deems inferior. That distinction is important.
Just because someone is courteous when he wants something doesn’t mean he’s a kind person. How he treats those with less power will tell you more about him than how he acts trying to woo you.
When you shine
Your partner doesn’t have to pop champagne every time you do something great, but he shouldn’t take joy in your failures. Look for red flags if he withdraws when you’re complimented, minimizes your successes, competes with your income, or sabotages chances for you to advance.
It’s good for a marriage when both partners can thrive. If you shrink yourself down to make him feel bigger, you’ll begin to resent him.
Another promise
He apologizes sweetly after hurting you. For a time, things are better. Then the exact same behavior rears its ugly head. Soon you find yourself receiving another apology.
Once again, you are assured that things will be different.
An apology is only as good as the action that follows it. No one changes overnight, but you should see growth. If you are having the same heartbreaking conversation with someone year after year, evaluate the trend, not the apology.
The “crazy” exes
One bad breakup doesn’t mean much. But if every girl he ever dated is crazy, clingy, selfish, or solely at fault for the break-up, then take note. Sure, some of those girls may have legitimately fit that description, but there should be some soul-searching on his end as well.
Most adults can own up to at least one thing they took away from a relationship that ended. Someone who paints himself as always being right about breakups may start painting you that way too.
Just being protective
Questions can start to feel caring at first. Where are you? Who are you with? Why are you wearing that? Why weren’t you answering me right away? But ask enough, and concern can turn into checking your phone, tracking passwords, telling you who you can spend time with, or sabotaging friendships and family relationships.
It’s okay to care about your partner’s safety. It’s not okay to treat an adult partner like she needs your permission to live her life.
Someone will do it
Observe him when grown-up tasks must be completed. Does he cook, clean, schedule appointments, keep track of his responsibilities, and notice things that need to be done, or does he silently expect someone else to take care of everything?
Marriage allows this routine to develop into years of one person doing the majority of the mental and physical labor. No one needs to split every task down the middle, but both partners should be able to participate without frequent directions.
Used against you
Vulnerability is built on trust. Share something with him: an insecurity, a painful memory, or one of your personal fears. Then observe what he does with that information down the road.
If he mentions your most vulnerable moments during arguments, tells other people, or makes fun of you about things you confided in him, he’s a big red flag. Your spouse should be someone you can be safe being vulnerable with.
Someday he’ll change
One of the largest red flags you can have is marrying the man you want him to grow into rather than who he actually is every day. You think he’ll settle down after the honeymoon, stop flirting when you say ‘I do’, keep his temper when you have kids, or learn to be financially responsible when you get a mortgage.
People can change, but marriage won’t make him do it. So decide to spend your life with him for how he is now, not how he could be.