Every relationship has challenges. Some of them come from the fact that the partnership feels one-sided, maybe not deliberately, but simply because certain behaviours cause it to go lopsided.
Research has a lot to say about these behaviours. Here are thirteen habits that could tip the scales of a relationship negatively. Which of these have you witnessed before?
Demand-withdraw during conflict
While one partner tries to talk through things, the other pulls back. They may also disappear into silence. Such behaviour is known as a “demand-withdraw” pattern in relationship research, and it’s rather common in many studies of long-term couples. Demand-withdraw patterns force the talker to do all the emotional heavy lifting.
As for the person avoiding it entirely? They think that they’re being calm, and it makes the relationship seem one-sided. It’s almost as though one person is superior to the other.
Asymmetric responsiveness to messages
It’s okay to be chattier than someone else. What’s not okay is when one person sends detailed messages & thoughtful replies, but only gets short replies and long delays back. Research has connected asymmetric responsiveness with people feeling unheard in a relationship.
It doesn’t take long for the eager texter to start wondering what’s going on. They’re unsure whether they’re having a conversation or merely narrating the day. It feels like the other person is only half-listening.
One partner carries emotional labour
In some relationships, only one person manages the emotional temperature of the whole thing. They’re the one to notice small changes & check in more often. They also try to soften the room when stress starts to build. But emotional labour research shows that such behaviour isn’t necessarily a good thing.
The job of dealing with emotional labour tends to expand, rather than being split evenly, and it skews the workload. Nobody talks about it. However, one person in the relationship has to deal with all the emotions & that can be quite taxing.
Apologizing and initiating repair alone
Another role that some people take on in a relationship is that of the tension repairer. One person always makes the first move after arguments & sends the text that breaks the ice. They’ll start the conversation about how they need to fix things. Why? Because they feel bad about leaving things hanging.
Research from the Gottman Institute has found that attempts to repair a relationship help to keep it on track. But it shouldn’t just be one person doing it. The emotional investment falls to them and only them when that happens. It doesn’t get shared.
One-sided kinkeeping
One person texts everyone’s aunt & sends holiday photos each year. They constantly remind the other partner about birthdays. Unfortunately, they also have to plan family get-togethers while their partner just shows up. It’s known as “kinkeeping” in research.
Family researchers claim that kinkeeping is a form of relationship maintenance work that usually falls on one person to do. It’s usually the woman. Kinkeeping starts to feel like unpaid admin work for whoever’s the one responsible for doing it, and that’s just not fair.
One partner constantly changes to fit the other
A few relationships involve one person shrinking their world to keep the peace. They’ll cancel their own plans & change their opinion, perhaps keep quiet about the things they actually care about. Yet their partner doesn’t do the same. They rarely change, and such behaviour is what counsellors claim is a sign of imbalance.
One person keeps changing, but the other stays fixed. Yes, it might come from a desire for harmony. But research shows that it removes any sense of equality in a relationship.
Only one person regularly brings up hard topics
You shouldn’t be the person who always brings up difficult topics. It’s known as emotional heavy lifting. It causes you to become the person who constantly tracks the things that need attention, like money conversations & boundaries. Your partner avoids it all. Or worse, they minimize it.
Relationship studies refer to it as initiator imbalance. They also claim it leads to burnout because a healthy relationship requires both people to deal with the hard stuff. There can’t just be one.
They break small agreements but expect you not to
Perhaps they forget dinner plans or avoid chores that they promised they’d handle. It’s no big deal. But then they get annoyed when you make a tiny mistake. Relationship studies say it’s a problem because a relationship requires mutual accountability. An uneven contract doesn’t work.
You shouldn’t have one person’s word be flexible while yours is held to a higher standard. Why? Because it trains you to keep over-functioning. You’re desperately trying to avoid tension when you shouldn’t be.
Withholding affection or comfort to steer behaviour
It’s easy to miss someone withholding affection to control your behaviour. It doesn’t always look cruel. However, someone who pulls away when they’re annoyed & seems more distant is making the relationship one-sided. They’ll only return the warmth when things go their way.
According to therapists, it’s called “conditional regard.” They say that it kills genuine affection. Conditional regard trains the other person to put on a performance, simply to get a sense of basic closeness back.
Performing incompetence to offload tasks
You may have heard comments from your partner about how they “can’t cook right.” They might also tell you that you’re “just better at organizing.” However, they never try to fix things & it forces you, the capable partner, to do everything. Researchers have studied such behaviour. They call it weaponized incompetence and say that it damages a relationship.
People who pretend they can’t do something usually don’t want to deal with the mental load. It fo
rces the other person to take on the responsibilities. Just how is that fair?
Booking solo downtime by default and assuming coverage
A few people will automatically plan time for themselves in a relationship. Or perhaps they’ll decide to organize a night out. Yet they forget to mention who’s handling dinner or kids because they simply don’t care enough to bother. It’s lazy & it destroys the relationship.
Stats Canada found that the majority of unpaid work in a relationship falls on women. It happens even during their off-hours. Making rest one-sided soon leads to resentment because it stops one person in the relationship from being able to simply rest.
Making plans for both of you without checking first
It’s a similar issue when the other person makes plans for you without checking. You might only find out that you’re going to a friend’s BBQ because your partner already RSVP’d for you. Yes, it may not seem like a big deal. But it shouldn’t keep happening.
Studies on autonomy support in couples reported that people need to be able to make joint decisions in relationships. It’s not romantic to simply assume the other person’s agreement. In fact, you’re controlling the calendar by doing so, and tipping the relationship scales in your favour.
Gatekeeping shared tasks and redoing your partner’s work
Being told you always load the dishwasher wrong hurts. It’s a form of constant correcting that’ll likely make you feel there’s no point in helping at all. Sociologists have studied such forms of gatekeeping.
It’s not a good sign that one person takes over every task, no matter how many times they claim it gets things done faster. Sociologists say it turns household labour into something completely unbalanced. The result? Both people end up frustrated.
Interrupting and steering the topic away from your point
Some partners are almost allergic to just listening. They’ll jump in & finish your own sentence, maybe change the topic halfway through, and it forces you to do all the emotional legwork. You’re probably trying to stay calm the entire time.
Communication research links this sort of behaviour to a lower sense of satisfaction. The interrupter stops learning anything new about their partner, skewing the relationship in their favour.
Sources: Please see here for a complete listing of all sources that were consulted in the preparation of this article.
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