Grown-up kids are constructing their own worlds and identities, and while they appreciate our guidance & support, some praise is often a little extra weight or a no-go.
“You’re So Much More Responsible Than Your Sibling”
The way that you praise one child, while putting them against the other, places them in an awkward position. Even if they are the “reasonable one,” it can be an unjust standard to always live up to.
“You Turned Out Better Than I Expected”
You’re probably saying this as a joke to show that you’re proud, but it feels a bit off-putting. It’s saying that somewhere along the line, you didn’t think they’d do well & now you are surprised. That’s no great morale boost.
“You’re Such a Great Example for Others Your Age”
It’s easy to call them a role model, but it’s also a lot of pressure. Your child could worry that they should always be perfect, or accomplish something even when they’re just figuring things out like everyone else.
“You’re So Good at [Dancing]; I Wish I Could Do That”
It’s nice to recognize their talents, but constantly pointing out one specific skill can make them feel boxed in. They might feel like you only see them for that one ability & not for everything else that makes them who they are. Spread out the appreciation to their all round talents.
“You’re Way Smarter Than I Ever Was”
This sounds like a way to boost their confidence but it is a little unnatural. Your child can think you’re downplaying or making them feel a superior being & this will pressurize them to always get ahead.
“You’re So Independent; You Don’t Need Anyone”
Independence is lovely, but this sort of compliment is alienating. You might be saying all this to your child, feeling like you don’t see that they need a hug, support, or even just a little help from time to time.
“You’re Lucky to Have It All Figured Out”
Most people, no matter how successful they appear, don’t feel like they have everything figured out. This can sound dismissive, as though their pain or insecurity doesn’t exist & isn’t observable to you.
“You’re So Grown-up for Your Age”
It isn’t that they aren’t grown up yet, but this comment can make them feel that they’re being congratulated for getting too old too fast. It can also feel like you’re downplaying the fact that they still have room to make mistakes & learn from them, just like everyone else.
“I’m Proud of You for Sticking to What We Taught You”
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Though this sounds like a kind compliment, it can feel like an insult to their effort & hard work. It’s like they’re successful because they’ve followed your instructions rather than being themselves.
“You’ve Got Such a Nice Life, What More Could You Want?”
This can be discouraging if they are dealing with something you can’t see. Everything isn’t perfect because it appears that way & with this comment, you could make them feel misunderstood.
“You’re So Lucky to Have Things Come Easy to You”
You may think you’re celebrating their success, but it can seem disapproving of the hard work they’ve put into it. Your adult child probably worked really hard to get where they are now & if they hear this, they will likely think that you don’t respect the obstacles they’ve been through.