Couples who’ve been together for a long time don’t simply rely on luck. No, they have a few habits that outsiders don’t always notice, yet these little things help them in the long run. Romantic gestures & fancy date nights aren’t as important as routines.
Here are eight unexpected routines that couples who last longer than two decades usually share, as per research. Which of these could you imagine doing for the next 20 years?
A six-second kiss at reunions
As soon as one partner walks through the door, the pair of them have a six-second kiss. Yes, exactly, six seconds. Relationship researchers John & Julie Gottman claim that six seconds is long enough to make a couple notice each other properly after they’ve had a busy day, and it’s much better than a quick peck. That feels like autopilot.
A six-second kiss, however, makes things feel proper, and while it may be awkward at first, it soon starts to feel necessary. The Gottmans also claimed it helps couples drop their stress hormones after work.
A monthly novelty date on the calendar
Couples who stay together sometimes choose one day each month to do something that neither of them has done before. It might be an archery class or perhaps a niche cuisine. Whatever they do doesn’t matter because the important part is that they’re doing something new. It’s a chance to reset their rhythm.
Research indicates that doing something new together as a couple helps trigger the same reward systems in our brains that we work during the early part of a relationship. You feel that sense of initial romance again. Best of all, it gives you stories to tell later on, and that’s always a good thing.
A quarterly “social circle” hour on the calendar
Long-term couples will schedule an hour every few months to check in. They manage their social relationships together like the grown adults they are. The check-in is three-fold. It involves seeing who they need to talk to & who they’ve accidentally ignored, as well as who they’re seeing next season. Essentially, they’re doing relationship admin.
According to studies, couples who can maintain ties with friends & family have long-term stability. They also have lower levels of conflict. Working through it keeps their people-life organized, rather than reactive, and that helps them to stay together.
A no-alcohol weekend every month
One designated weekend each month is a dry weekend. That’s not to say they have to stay at home, but rather, they don’t drink on that specific weekend.
They’ll still see friends & family. It helps that the couple sees it as a reset point instead of a punishment or cleanse.
Alcohol can ruin a relationship. At least, that’s what studies from the University at Buffalo & the University of Missouri have found. They learned that misusing alcohol often leads to poorer marital quality and higher separation rates, due to avoidable arguments.
So, having a recurring moment to reset helps to avoid any drinking issues from arising.
A weekly “separate together” hour
Alone time can be golden. But it doesn’t have to involve being physically alone. Couples who last will mark one hour a week on their calendar when they stay in the same room doing their own thing.
One might read & the other might watch TV. They don’t talk or fill the time with chores. Instead, they take it as intentional quiet personal time where they’re still in each other’s presence.
Quite a few studies support these findings. Couples who have some autonomy & alone-together time are able to protect their personal space. They stay emotionally close to each other. It directly prevents them from living like roommates.
A 48-hour aftermath debrief
Couples who stay together never fight, right? Wrong. They still fight, but the difference is in how they handle the aftermath.
They’ll schedule a conversation about the argument within 48 hours of it happening & they don’t push it sooner than they’re ready. Nor do they wait long enough for it to rot. During this conversation, they’ll discuss what happened and whose feelings were missed, as well as what was misunderstood.
The Gottman Institute found that the timing of these debriefs helps couples to settle conflicts properly. It prevents resentment from building up & strengthens a couple’s trust in each other.
A weekly stress forecast & support plan
Stress happens in every relationship. However, couples who last will check the upcoming week & name the predictable stress points before they come up. They’ll also discuss how they’ll support the other person that week.
It’s genuine weekly coordination about the stuff that’s already coming.
In scientific circles, such behavior is known as “dyadic coping.” It stops couples from reacting in the middle of the drama & potentially causing issues. Instead, they stay calmer during a crisis. They also handle the stresses of daily life far better than those who don’t do dyadic coping.
A Sunday preference swap card
Sundays are choice days for long-term couples, where they write down three preferences they’d like. It might be a meal they’d like this week or one thing they don’t have much energy for. Then, they swap these preferences. Each person takes the other’s card seriously for the week ahead.
Why? Because it avoids silent assumptions & makes things clear for each person. No need for guessing.
Research proves that couples who clearly share their needs & respond to them fare better. They report stronger satisfaction in the relationship over time.
Sources: Please see here for a complete listing of all sources that were consulted in the preparation of this article.