Untreated trauma often manifests in small daily behaviors that eventually tear relationships apart without people even realizing they are suffocating others.
Hypervigilance
They live on high alert, waiting for “the other shoe to drop.” Innocent comments can be perceived as attacking or a partner being in a quiet mood can be interpreted as wanting to leave, causing chaos in relationships.
Isolation
They’d rather be alone than risk rejection, disappointment or being hurt. They isolate themselves from friend groups by not returning texts, canceling at the last minute, or refusing to allow people into their lives.
Testing
They often unconsciously set up tests to see if the people who love them will stick around. Playing dumb, picking fights, or pushing your buttons are all ways of testing to see if others will leave them, which often wears people around them down and makes them leave.
Perfectionism
Many strive to be perfect and do everything themselves so that no one will ever be able to reject or condemn them. But when people are that hard on themselves (and others), they often come across as cold, closed-off, or judgmental. Few people want to befriend someone whom they can never relate to on a human level.
Volatility
When trauma goes untreated, people are walking around with an invisible bucket of stress that is always full. They are emotionally holding as much as they can handle, so when someone pushes their button (even if it’s just a little bit), they spill over with extreme anger or sudden crying jags. This makes friends and family feel like they constantly have to walk on eggshells.
Numbing
When feeling too much pain, they check out emotionally, through distance, drugs, work, or social media. They become emotionally unavailable and their partner, child or friend feels totally ignored, unappreciated or alone with them.
People-pleasing
Sometimes traumatized people go to extreme lengths to try to please everyone else, even if it means neglecting their own needs. Because they never learn to say “no,” they can develop huge reservoirs of secret resentment that can erupt and harm the relationship.
Defensiveness
Past trauma can warp their perception of the world to the point that feedback from others feels like an assault on their safety. Helpful feedback from a partner, even when presented kindly and constructively, can be unfairly perceived as criticism. They may become overwhelmed with denial, counterattack, or turn it around to avoid honest conversation.
Chaos-seeking
Growing up in an unpredictable environment can make peace feel foreign and deeply uncomfortable to the brain. They might find themselves diving back into chaos or unnecessarily creating problems. This is because they subconsciously feel more comfortable in their constantly heightened state of stress.
Over-sharing
Desperate for quick intimate connections, they may open up about their deepest wounds and trauma history to people they’ve only recently met. Bombing people with trauma dumps can leave acquaintances feeling smothered, confused about boundaries, and repelled.
Co-dependency
They may cling to a romantic partner or friend too tightly. Instead of drawing strength from multiple outlets, they depend on that one person to provide all of their feelings of safety, value, and stability. That is a lot of pressure for one person to shoulder, and it can quickly drain them.
Rejection-first
Having an abandonment fear running deep in their core, they often rather break up or part ways at the slightest inconvenience. Cutting ties before someone else has the chance makes them less vulnerable to being hurt by that person leaving them.
Sources: Please see here for a complete listing of all sources that were consulted in the preparation of this article.