At times, being silent is more loving and respectful than speaking up your mind around adult children’s choices and behaviors.
When They’re Making a Decision You Disagree With
We all have problems when our kids are doing things that we’d never do, whether it’s to get a job, a move or a relationship. Giving them free advice may make them feel that you don’t trust their own judgment.
Even if you are worried, just let them live their lives & make the right choices for them like you once did.
When Their Parenting Style Is Different from Yours
You may find that they are raising their children in ways that you are not used to, or perhaps not even sure about. But if you critique their parenting choices, it might seem like you’re questioning their authority.
Just be an encouraging grandparent & know they’re doing the best they can for their family.
When They Handle Finances Differently Than You Would
It is exhausting when your child spends money for things you would not or keeps track of money in ways you’d never do. But even talking about it can sound like you’re challenging their maturity. They’ll figure it out for themselves & unless they seek advice, let them work it out.
When They’re Complaining about Work or Love Life
It is easy to get in & suggest solutions when your kid is talking about a cranky boss or a problematic relationship. But they aren’t always asking for a piece of advice: they want someone to listen. Feeling accepted without judgement makes them feel understood & cared for.
When They’re Trying Out New Ideas & Values
As they grow, your children may come to hold opinions or values different from yours. It can be unsettling, but when you fight with or reject them, it can break them apart. Instead, be curious & respectful, even if you don’t understand them perfectly.
When Their Appearance Changes
Whether that’s a crazy haircut, a tattoo, or a different style of dress, making judgments about what they look like may seem like criticism. Let them be their authentic selves, whether you like it or not.
When They’re Going Through a Tough Relationship
You might have strong feelings about their partner or a friend, but sharing your opinion can make things awkward for them. If you yell at someone they love, they’ll run away from you. Leave these relationships to them & offer a helping hand when necessary.
When They’re Trying Something New
Starting a new job, hobby or project is exciting & also a bit frightening. If you answer with distrust or a lot of judgmental tips, you might discourage them. Instead, support them & let them get uplifted by their own experience.
When They Set Boundaries You Don’t Like
“We need some space” or “We can’t make it this weekend” might be hurtful to hear, but acknowledging their space tells them you respect their space & freedom. Resisting or guilt-tripping can damage trust & make them feel uncomfortable around you.
When They’re Handling a Crisis
Be it a financial setback, a relationship break-up or a tough transition, it’s easy to jump on the bandwagon & offer advice or fixes. But the jump in too soon can be intrusive. Allow them to decide how much help they need & support them, but not dictate.
When They Decline Invitations
You’re not happy if they refuse a family gathering or are unable to attend a party, but belittling them can make things more stressful than they need to be. Give them the space & say they’re always welcome when they are free to come by.
When They Don’t Follow Your Traditions
Your family values traditions, but your children might decide to move away from some of them or make up new ones as they grow older. To make them adhere to traditional practices feels oppressive. Respect their decisions & try to celebrate with a balance that works for everyone.
When They’re Struggling with a Private Matter
If they speak to you about something personal like a medical problem or relationship struggle, then they’re trusting you. Chattering about it, or offering free advice, destroys that trust. Be a safe haven for them by maintaining their trust & offering support where requested.