No matter the topic at hand, people tend to argue the same way. That includes their defensive behaviours. Communication researchers, including John & Julie Gottman and Virginia Satir, have recorded such habits for decades.
Here are eleven defensive behaviours often seen during disagreements. Which of these have you done before?
Replying to a complaint with a fresh complaint
The Gottman Institute has found that many people try to defend themselves in arguments by counter-complaining. Essentially, people answer a concern by sharing their own complaint.
Firing off another issue, no matter how related it might seem, allows people to defend themselves, rather than answering.
Sounding agreeable, then “yes-butting”
Communication coaches often mention “yes-butting” as a defensive behaviour. It starts with someone sounding like they’re on board. Then, they try to reject what you’re saying seconds later, and it’s quite common during tense conversations.
Why? Because the other person wants to soften the disagreement & still push back.
Piling old grudges into one talk (kitchen sinking)
“Kitchen sinking” isn’t as fun as it sounds. Relationship therapists use the term to refer to people who drag old arguments into a new disagreement, helping them to avoid the current issue.
Everything from last month & the year before is now an issue. It’s quite common when people feel overwhelmed with the topic, or topics, at hand.
Quietly shutting down (Stonewalling)
Sadly, stonewalling is far too common in relationships. The Gottman Institute refers to it as a physiological stress response, where someone’s heart rate spikes & their breathing changes. Then they stop engaging with the conversation.
Such a reaction is a sign of defensiveness, where someone doesn’t know how to react and essentially shuts down.
Saying the same defense over and over
Yes, repetitive justification is what you might hear. Researchers refer to this as a loop where the speaker keeps repeating the same explanation, even though the conversation has moved on.
Therapists say it acts like a shield for the person saying it. They don’t have to interact with the new information, and instead, they can rely on the same lines.
Presenting oneself only as the wronged party
Some people shift into a blamer/victim role during heated moments. Family therapist Virginia Satir has noted such behaviour as a sign that someone’s being defensive, as they rely on how hurt or misunderstood they feel.
They focus only on their own discomfort. The situation itself? It really doesn’t matter to them because they only care about their feelings.
Refusing any responsibility and leaning on excuses
Refusing responsibility is one of the clearest signs of someone being defensive. Conflict-resolution guides say that people refuse to take even tiny pieces of responsibility when they feel like they’re being accused.
They fall back on explanations. But really, these sound more like excuses that leave very little room for their own involvement.
Interrupting to correct side details
You’ll also see defensive behaviours at the workplace. Communication specialists claim that defensive people try to fix little details, like the wrong dates or slightly-off phrasing, as an attempt to protect themselves.
They’re micro-corrections. They do it to divert attention away from the topic being talked about because they really hate it.
Bringing a third person into the disagreement
Bowen’s family-systems work has looked at the idea of the “third person.” It’s when people pull another person into arguments as soon as things get tense, saying things like “Can you just tell them?”
It keeps them from staying in the conversation & brings another person to take on the heat.
Using quick sarcasm instead of a direct answer
The moment someone feels hurt, they might throw out a sarcastic one-liner. Yet the Gottmans’ research claims that it’s not as funny as it seems.
A comment such as that is a way for someone to protect themselves while also dodging the actual questions. They hope it counts as a response. But it doesn’t.
Listening mostly for attack instead of meaning
Sure, some people claim they’re listening during an argument. But they’re only doing so to catch anything that feels like it’s directed at them, pushing the actual message aside.
Communication researchers refer to it as a “defensive listening partner.” Apparently, people do it when they feel touchy, especially before the argument has even begun.
Sources: Please see here for a complete listing of all sources that were consulted in the preparation of this article.