Has anyone ever been around a person that feels wrong but you can’t tell exactly why? They’re not overtly nasty, yet somehow you just always feel fatigued or confused after hanging out with them.
It might be covert narcissism on display – especially if they know how to keep their actions under the radar. Women with covert narcissism are particularly dangerous since their behavior is so low-key they’re easy to miss.
I’ve been there and let me tell you it’s grueling trying to determine why things never quite feel right. Let’s take a deeper look at some of these subtle behaviors so you know to avoid them and protect your peace.
Passive-Aggressive Comments
You will seldom hear them yell at you or openly criticize you. Rather, they’ll say things that sound nice but have a little bite to them.
Like “Oh, you’re wearing that to dinner? I wish I could be that bold!”’ It’s how they make you feel worse without being rude in the first place. These are small snippets that eventually eat away at your self-esteem – you will always feel like you are doing something wrong.
Playing the Victim
They know how to turn anything around and make themselves look like the party who was hurt. For instance, if you confront them about something they did, they may tear up and go “Oh my God, how could you think I’d ever hurt you!”
Now you’re the bad guy because you brought it up, then you’re left feeling guilty even when you didn’t do anything wrong.
Fishing for Compliments
They’re not the type that say, “Hey, tell me I look good.” They’ll make self-depreciating remarks that practically make you tell them they look good.
For instance, they might wince in a loud voice: “Ugh, I feel so old in this dress,” while you chirp back: “What? ‘No, you are fab!’ This is a clever way of getting the attention they want, without being obvious.
Emotional Withholding
They won’t tell you exactly what’s wrong when they are mad. Rather, they will shrug it off, stay distant, or they’ll simply say, “You should know why I’m upset”
This is super frustrating because you don’t even know what you did. This is how they keep you on your toes & try to make you struggle more to earn their trust or re-establish your place with them.
Subtle One-Upping
They can’t give you the spotlight, even for a second. They’ll jump in with a story about what they did better or bigger if you’re happy about something.
If you say, “I just started running 5Ks,” and they’d say something like, “That’s great! ‘I remember when I ran my first marathon.’ This might not always be obvious – but enough so that you feel like your success is being forgotten.
Chronic Blame-Shifting
Nothing is ever their fault. If something doesn’t work out, they won’t take accountability. For example, when they forget a date, they’ll say “Well, you didn’t tell me, so how could I know?”
Undermining Others
Women with covert narcissism can subtly put other people down to make themselves look better. For instance, they might say “She’s really nice, but I don’t think she’s up to the job.”
They sound worried, but the truth is they want you to think badly of someone and help them build their credibility.
Fake Empathy
They’ll pretend they care but only superficially. For example, if you’re frustrated by something, they will say all the nice things like, “That must be so hard for you,” and then start taking the conversation to their troubles.
It’s not actual compassion; it’s a game they play to pretend to be compassionate and bring back the attention on themselves.
Jealousy Masquerading as Concern
When you do something amazing, they’ll pretend to worry about you instead of being happy for you. For instance, they might say something like “Are you sure promotion is a good idea? It’s going to be too much work for you.”
This sounds nice; at a deep level, it’s their envy. They don’t want you to outdo them so they disguise it as “concern” so you don’t feel too self-confident.
Strategic Kindness
They’ll go out of their way to do something nice, but only if it’s in their own interests. For instance, they’ll bake cookies for a party, but only so everyone will applaud them for their generosity.
When nobody’s looking, however, they won’t stop to lend a hand. All of their generosity is always conditional – it is about securing their image & not actually helping others.
What to Say to Push Back Against Narcissistic Behavior
Getting stuck with a narcissist can be draining. You can’t always resist them, but you can keep your sanity. The trick is to keep your mouth shut & use wise words that they can’t abuse you with. Now, let’s take a look at 10 such phrases to get a narcissist off your back.