Our friends are one of the most important parts of our lives, but sometimes we don’t know or realize how our words impact those around us. Some words, even well-meaning ones, can offend and push away friends. If you feel like you’re always repeating some phrases, it might be worth looking into how they affect others. Small changes in the way we speak will go a long way towards keeping friendships healthy and wholesome. Let’s take a look at some everyday sayings that can reveal toxic behaviors and how you can correct them.
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“Why Don’t You Ever Call Me?”
When you say this, you may seem to be blaming your friend. It places the entire burden of communication on their shoulders. Relationships are not easy to maintain. If it feels like you are the one always calling, consider why that is. Maybe your friend is busy or doesn’t know how much you appreciate their calls. Try saying “I miss talking to you instead of accusing them. Let’s talk soon.” That will tell them you care without making them feel bad.
“I’m Just Being Honest”
Honesty is a good thing, but not if it’s being used as a rationale to hurt someone. If you’re repeating this after a mean comment, you may not be reflecting on the effect your words have on your friend. Saying, for instance, “That outfit doesn’t fit you” can be genuine but hurts their feelings. You should instead give feedback in a more friendly & kind manner, such as, “I think this other style would look amazing on you.” That’s being honest and thoughtful.
“You’re So Lucky”
If you tell someone they are lucky, it can seem like you’re dismissing their struggles or hard work. A friend might have worked really hard to achieve something and being told “you’re lucky” makes it sound like their efforts didn’t matter. So rather than focusing on luck, say something like, “I’m so happy you worked so hard for this, and I’m so proud of you.” This encourages and respects their work.
“You Never Listen to Me”
This phrase makes your friend feel that they’re not enough even if they’re trying to be there for you. It might even make them defensive, which might result in conflicts. If you’re not being heard, think about how you’re bringing it up. Try saying: “I want to say something very important. Can we take a moment.’ This is an invitation to listen, without being offensive.
“You’re So Sensitive”
It makes people feel small and invalidated if you ignore them by saying this. It conveys that their feelings are irrelevant and it can feel painful. Rather, if your friend has a strong response to something, try to learn why. You can say, “I didn’t mean to offend you. Can we talk about it?” You’re acknowledging that you care about them and want to make things right.
“I Would Never Do That”
Comparing your actions to your friend’s choices can feel judgmental. It might sound like you think you are better than them. Everybody’s life is different and what works for one person may not work for another. Instead ask something like ” What made you decide to do that?” That shows curiosity rather than judgement and creates an opportunity for you to see their side of things.
“I Don’t Have Time for This”
Life gets busy – but when you tell someone else this, it sounds like they’re not that important to you. It may discourage them from coming to you in the future. Try telling them “I really want to hear you, but I’m really busy. Can we talk later?” This makes it clear that you’re listening, even if you can’t help immediately.
“At Least My Problems Are Real”
When you compare struggles, it can make your friend feel like their feelings don’t count. We all go through things differently and what is small to you can be big for another person. rather than just ignore their concerns, tell them “Well, that is really tough. How can I help?” This expresses empathy and it shows your friend that you will always be there for them, no matter what.
“You’ve Changed”
When you tell a friend they’ve changed, you may be criticizing them (even if you don’t really mean it). It could make them feel insecure or defensive. People change over time and that’s okay. Rather than noticing what’s different, say, “I’d like to know what you’ve been up to..” This is a good opportunity to reconnect and strengthen the relationship.
“I Was Just Joking”
Using this as an excuse for a hurtful comment can make your friend feel like their feelings don’t matter. Jokes should bring people closer, not push them away. If someone gets offended by your joke, don’t dismiss it. Say, “Hey, I’m sorry that hurt. I didn’t mean to offend you.” You’re being mature and respectful of their feelings which keeps the friendship healthy.
Disclaimer: This list is solely the author’s opinion based on research and publicly available information.
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