Sometimes the sort of behavior men refer to as “just joking around” can actually feel belittling to women, making them feel angry, unheard, or patronized.
“The just kidding” shield
This occurs when someone says something incredibly rude or offensive and then follows it with “I was only joking.” By saying this, he can sidestep the punishment because he didn’t mean to be rude.
If she says she’s offended or upset, he’ll turn it around by saying she “can’t take a joke” or she’s “too sensitive.” Now it becomes her problem that she can’t accept a joke, rather than him telling an inappropriate joke.
The mood killer
A woman opens up to her partner about something she’s feeling. It could be an emotion, anxiety she’s experiencing, or a situation that happened at work.
Instead of listening, he’ll make a joke to deflect the conversation or kill the serious mood. He may think he’s helping her “look on the bright side,” but it comes across like he’s silencing her.
She feels that her emotions are invalid, burdensome, or annoying him.
The passive aggressive correction
Basically, this is a criticism hidden as a joke. Examples of this could include making a joking comment about how she backs into parking spots or spends too much money on a dress.
Since it’s said as a joke, he cannot be immediately called out for it. However, the underlying message she receives is that he is policing her every move and silently judging her.
It makes her feel inferior and as though she can’t do anything right.
The entertaining insult
This occurs when a man tells stories or jokes that make his girlfriend or wife seem foolish or clumsy to others. Whether they’re around friends or family, he’s cracking jokes at her expense.
He’s encouraged by the laughter of others and feels accomplished as “the life of the party.” To her, it feels like he’s selling out her mistakes or private life for people to laugh at her.
She feels exposed and alone in a room full of people because the person she trusts is ridiculing her.
Playing into stereotypes
There are dozens of offensive stereotypes about women; that they are “bad drivers,” “shopaholics,” or “irrational,” etc.
Even if he says he doesn’t mean it when he jests about these stereotypes, he’s still using them as punchlines. It feels misogynistic.
The trial run
Some men test their limits with dark/ inappropriate humor. He may spit out something completely disrespectful or even abuse as a joke to see how far he can push her.
If she doesn’t say anything or makes light of it herself, he knows he can escalate the joke next time. It’s a way of rubbing her raw slowly. To her, he’s always “testing” her and leaving her feeling anxious and unsettled.
Put down barrier
Do you know when someone says something hurtful but with a smile on their face? That’s sarcasm. If he constantly speaks to her this way, she will never feel like she can trust him.
How can she know when he’s serious or joking? If he makes a compliment sound insulting with his tone, she will never feel good about herself around him.
She will start to feel like she lives with someone who’s always judging her but is too cowardly to be direct.
The inside jokes
Whenever a man consistently tells “inside jokes” that he knows his woman will never understand, he’s using humor to isolate her.
Whether it’s a made-up slang word or references to his past that he talks about with his friends, she’ll always feel out of the loop.
He may think he’s merely hanging with “the guys,” but she perceives it as him and his gang telling jokes at her expense.
The “cute” condescension
Some men jokingly treat women as if they’re too childlike to understand “how the world works.”
When he talks to her using a condescending tone or laughs at her opinions as if they’re cute but naive, he’s straight-up talking down to her. It can make the woman feel stupid and insignificant.
Replacing apologies
He makes a mistake, like forgetting an anniversary or breaking something important, and instead of sincerely apologizing, he makes a big joke out of it.
He throws his whole “funny personality” at her in an attempt to make her laugh and forgive him. But he’s completely avoiding addressing the actual issue.
She will feel like he doesn’t take responsibility for his actions and thinks laughing it off is an adequate replacement for change.
Sources: Please see here for a complete listing of all sources that were consulted in the preparation of this article.
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