It doesn’t take much to be romantic on a first date. But when you’re searching for someone to spend the rest of your life with, flashy distractions don’t matter.
Lasting joy comes from the un-romantic qualities: how your date treats someone on an airplane delay, how they treat a waiter, and how they actually listen when you’re complaining about work?
Tired of fleeting flames? If you’re after something real, start noticing these 11 less-obvious qualities in a potential partner.
Repair Over Winning
If your partner approaches every argument like a court trial that they have to win, your relationship is going to exhaust itself.
Healthy partners don’t fight to win a Tuesday night argument; they fight to solve the issue.
The ability to take a step back and diffuse a fight is a sign of incredible emotional intelligence. Drop the desire to find a debater, and seek out a fixer.
Kindness Without Gain
Notice how someone treats those who can do nothing for them, like waiters or homeless people on the street.
If your partner is nice to everyone who deserves it, that’s one of the greatest indicators that she has a kind heart.
There’s no reason to put on an act if you’re just naturally that way. Treat others with respect and kindness, and you’ve found someone with the capacity for a great long-term relationship.
Alone Is Okay
Being someone’s entertainer 24/7 is draining.
When a partner needs you to constantly occupy every spare moment or salve every bored attitude, they will drain you eventually.
A quality partner is someone who can keep themselves busy. They have hobbies. They have thoughts of their own. Their own cadence.
If they can entertain themselves, they can bring balance to your life instead of a list of requests for you.
Details Are Remembered
Anyone can remember to set their phone calendar to remind them of birthdays. That’s maintenance.
Real relationship work is your partner remembering details. Things like the name of your first pet, how you react when you’re stressed at work, etc.
If they forget everything you tell them over and over, they’re not really in the relationship with you. Finding someone who picks up on the little things is how you know you matter.
Self-Deprecation
One of my favorite kinds of old-school romance is someone who doesn’t take themselves so seriously.
It’s hard to find someone who isn’t worried about projecting this pristine persona these days. Someone who can look you in the eye and casually say, “Yeah, I totally screwed that up. Haha”.
These folks can turn a disaster into your go-to story that your great-grandchildren will laugh about.
That kind of spirit is what gets you through the tough times.
Apologies Not Performance
Truthfully heartfelt apologies are rare because they demand humility. Someone who can look you in the eye and say, “I was wrong about that,” meaning every word is truly accountable.
Studies have found that immediate, heartfelt apologies are how you re-establish trust and prevent bitterness from accumulating over the decades.
If you have someone in your life who doesn’t treat apologies like a spectacle or recitation, you have someone who is capable of a healthy, long-term commitment.
Calm When Inconvenient
If your significant other gets mad at a burnt piece of toast as if it purposely burned itself to taunt them, you will be very tired half a year from now.
Life is going to continuously throw you minor setbacks. A meltdown over a botched coffee? They’re probably not equipped for actual crises.
Great partners have perspective. They don’t blow up at things they can’t fix.
Show them you messed up, and if they can calmly deal with things being imperfect, congratulations, you’ve landed someone who won’t be a daily source of frustration.
Respect For Friendships
A good partner realizes that living a great life is larger than just the two of you. Some partners will try to keep you from your friends or make you feel guilty when you spend time with others.
Research indicates that people who nurture friendships tend to be happier in their relationships as time goes on.
If your partner respects your friends and the time you spend with them, they care about you being a happy, well-rounded individual.
Curiosity And Growth
Curiosity may appear trivial, but in fact, it’s one of the biggest indicators of a sound mind. Inquisitive partners will always be learners. They ask questions.
Psychologists associate curiosity with “openness.”
Being open allows you and your partner to grow and change with the years. You won’t get stuck in routines that were made decades ago.
Unbroken Promises
I know, it sounds trivial. But if they bail on picking up your dry cleaning or some other minor task they committed to doing, how can you trust that they’ll follow through on the important things down the line?
Sure, grand gestures are great, but how do they do with the small ones?
If your partner can keep their word on the little things, it shows that they value your time and they care about your wellbeing. Consistency is key.
Everyday Brightness
There are people who suck the life out of you.
They find something to whine about all the time. They make everything into a drama. They can sap your energy without lifting a finger.
If she can turn a regular day into something special, she’s a keeper, for sure. She won’t play mind games or create petty arguments. She’ll make mundane tasks like paying bills and cleaning feel bearable.
If she brings a sense of ease to the daily grind, you’ve struck gold.
Sources: Please see here for a complete listing of all sources that were consulted in the preparation of this article.
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