Sometimes, the conversations you have with your grown children do not end up quite as planned and leave both of you frustrated or misunderstood.
“When Are You Going to Settle Down?”
This is such a straightforward question, but when it comes to your adult child it can feel like you are questioning their choices or timeline. Whether they’re single, in a relationship or just focusing on themselves – this question is exhausting. It can also make them feel like their current life isn’t fulfilling to you.
“You Should Really Think About Buying a House”
Homeownership might have been a key life ritual in your generation, but that’s no longer the case. It’s just not the priority for many young adults to purchase a house because the house prices are getting too high. When you mention this, it can seem like you’re pushing your beliefs down their throats or glossing over the issues they are facing.
“Why Don’t You Visit More Often?”
You miss your child & might want to see them more but this can feel like a guilt trip. Your adult child may already have too much work, social life & so on. Instead of asking them why they aren’t coming to see you, tell them that you’re grateful for the time you have together.
“Are You Sure That’s the Best Career Choice?”
Even if you really are curious or concerned, questioning their career choice feels like a form of questioning their decisions & skills. This is especially annoying if they’ve dedicated a lot of time to their career or are really proud of what they’re doing.
“I Don’t Understand Why You’re Spending Money on That”
Whether it’s a fancy trip, a new gadget, or something you just feel is a waste, discussing how they spend their money feels unwelcoming. Your child probably knows their financial situation much better than you do & doesn’t want to be told how they are doing.
Instead of critiquing, celebrate their ability to make decisions for themselves & enjoy the fruits of their labor.
“Why Don’t You Call More Often?”
Again, another one of those guilt trips that you can make without really intending it. Your child may already regret not calling as often as they’d like.
Rather, express joy when they call & try to keep the time positive & pleasant. Next time, they’ll actually be tempted to call.
“You’re Not Getting Any Younger, You Know”
Whether it’s about starting a family or hitting certain milestones, this kind of comment can feel like a tough reminder of the societal pressures they already know. It can also make them feel that their worth comes from external accomplishments.
“You Used to Be So [Thoughtful]”
Bringing up how they “were” might come off as a low blow toward who they are. It can feel like nostalgia to you but to them, it sounds like you’re upset with them for who they are now. Rather than talking about the past, focus on what you like about them today.
“Have You Thought About Losing Weight?”
Talking about their looks, however good-natured, is almost always a no. This can be intrusive, judgmental & very private. Rather than pointing at their body, speak to their well-being. Encourage healthy habits without tying them to appearance.
“I Wish You’d Take My Advice More Often”
Pointing out when they didn’t follow your advice, even if it was good, can come across as patronizing. It tells them that you don’t believe they can make decisions for themselves or grow from their mistakes. It is better to advise only when they request & leave it up to them to find their own way.