Big emotional conversations or public displays mean nothing to stable couples. They rely on a set of repeatable routines to stay together, and the research backs up the things that these couples do.
Here are ten routines that couples with stable relationships tend to share. Which of these do you think is the most impactful?
They run a 20-minute outside-stress download
Stable couples create a specific time in the evening for them to unload their stress. It could be stuff at work or daily life pressures, it doesn’t matter, as long as it’s not related to the relationship itself.
The Gottman Institute claims that having these conversations helps to reduce stress by focusing on turn-taking & listening. These conversations tend to stop after 20 minutes. It’s enough to get out what needs to be said without it casting a shadow over the entire relationship.
They hold a weekly “state of the union” meeting
Another thing that they factor into their schedule is a weekly “state of the union” meeting that happens on the same day & time. It’s something that research shows is important because it keeps each person on the same page.
They’ll start with appreciations, then move on to talking about a single issue from the previous week. The conversation sticks to soft language & breaks when needed. Many couples set a timer for an hour so that the meeting doesn’t take up valuable evening time.
Weekly date night is treated as a standing appointment
These couples never underestimate the power of date night & they’ll book it in each week like an appointment. It’s usually on the same day, regardless of whether work runs a little late that day. Research shows it’s important because it stops couples from living parallel lives.
Knowing that the two of you have guaranteed time together can help to reduce any sense of resentment. It also stops your sense of connection from being something optional & more secure.
A reunion routine happens in the first two minutes at home
How couples return home sets the tone for the rest of the evening. That’s why stable couples make the effort to spend a few minutes together, and it’s something that research refers to as a “reunion ritual.”
It works because it stops the emotional distance from growing before other distractions, like dinner or watching TV, take over. These couples greet each other the same way each time, with bags down & a quick hello, then a quick check-in.
Morning start-up follows the same short script
Mornings are equally important for routines because they tend to get quite chaotic quite quickly. Stable couples know that, and so they have a routine of sharing a greeting with each other & plan for the day. It ends with a clean goodbye.
Research suggests that routines like these are important since a sense of predictability helps to reduce the tension later.
They schedule a “dreams within conflict” session
There’s no point in revisiting the same argument randomly. It’s much better to keep a routine where you have a monthly slot to share your complaints. The Gottman Institute has a “Dreams Within Conflict” process that creates a set order for these discussions.
Creating a routine & following these steps prevents these issues from entering your daily lives. It keeps couples together without any of the same unresolved problems causing the same problems, week after week.
They keep a standing “new activity” slot
You shouldn’t wait for life to feel exciting again because you can schedule novelty on purpose. Research suggests that doing new activities together helps with relationship satisfaction, since you’re not stuck in the same routine.
Long-lasting couples continue to make new memories with each other & that stops their relationship from growing stale. It’s great for improving their staying power.
They create a night for shared friends
It’s hard to overstate the importance of seeing friends together, and research shows that couples with overlapping friends tend to last longer than those who don’t. It’s exactly the reason why stable couples create a night for shared friends each week.
They’re able to stay socially aligned by doing so & reduce outside pressure. There’s no chance of them drifting into separate social worlds since they regularly spend time together with others.
They run a monthly cash-envelope setup together
Money causes problems when discussions about it are vague. Long-lasting couples avoid that happening by having a monthly envelope routine where they talk about what they’re spending & plan for the future.
Studies on household finance advise doing so because it works as a stabilizing structure. There are fewer risks of surprise conflicts because you’re facing your money issues side-by-side. Dealing with money individually is only going to create problems.
Bedtime screens have a cut-off time
So many couples stop connecting with each other because their phones run the night. But not stable couples. Research on bedtime routines shows how important having a shared wind-down pattern is, and a set screen cut-off time helps with that.
It allows couples to actually end the day together instead of ending it beside each other. Such consistency works wonders for keeping a couple closer together.
Sources: Please see here for a complete listing of all sources that were consulted in the preparation of this article.