You thought it’d never happen to you, and you swore you’d be the kind of guy on a road trip who’s always calm. You know the type—the sort of person with snacks in the backseat, who always drives with the windows down. And yet, here you are, comparing gas prices & making people pee before they’re ready. Becoming the “road trip dad” is a mindset change that happens regardless of whether you have children, and here are fourteen signs that you’ve become this father figure.
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You Start Calculating Gas Mileage Out Loud
Nobody asked, but you have the numbers and you’ll say things like “We’ve gone 310 miles on 10 gallons, so that’s… yeah, 31 MPG” as you do the math mid-drive. Everyone nods politely while you’re talking out loud about the gas mileage—then you adjust your speed by three mph, just to see if it makes a difference. Later, you bring it up again after the next fill-up, and you even think about writing it down in your notes app, even though no one’s keeping score.
You Wake Up Everyone At 5:30 AM to “Beat the Traffic”
The sun’s not even up, but you’re clapping your hands and passing travel mugs around while saying things like, “Let’s hit the road before everyone else does!” Translation—I will not sit in bumper-to-bumper traffic behind a minivan. It doesn’t matter if the drive is only three hours because you’ve already loaded the car & checked the tires by the time everyone else is crawling out of bed. Nobody dares to ask for even ten more minutes of sleep.
You Tap the Dashboard When You See a Police Car
When you see a cop car, your instinct is to do a little tap-tap on the dashboard and then slow down two mph, perhaps even telling everyone else in the car to “sit up straight.” You also turn the music down a notch, just in case, and your grip on the wheel gets slightly firmer for the next mile or two. After the cop’s out of sight, you go back to normal like nothing happened, and you’re not able to explain why it feels so good to take these precautions, but it does.
You Bring Your Own Paper Maps
It’s not that you don’t trust your phone, you just trust a good old physical map more, and that’s why there’s one in the glove box, with all your planned routes highlighted. You keep it folded in a very specific way and correct anyone who touches it wrong—there are even alternate routes written in the margins. It doesn’t matter if the map’s missing one or two pages because you’ll never throw it out, as that thing’s seen some things.
You Say “Let’s Just Top It Off” Even When the Tank Is ¾ Full
You don’t care if your gas tank’s nearly full because once you spot a station, you pull in and say, “Might as well top her off” because you love the thrill of a full tank & clean windshield squeegee. You wipe down the headlights while you’re at it and ask if anyone wants a snack—but secretly hope no one does, so you can leave faster. Nothing beats starting the next leg with a full tank.
You Announce the ETA
Every time someone checks the time, you tell them, “If we keep this pace, we’ll hit the Airbnb at 3:47”—it’s never “around 4,” but always the oddly specific time of 3:47. If a bathroom break delays that, you mentally recalculate and mourn the lack of efficiency. Sometimes, you bring up alternate routes that save three minutes because you think you’re just doing your job, even if that job only exists in your head and involves imaginary time penalties.
You Talk About Wind Direction While Driving
As soon as the wind hits the car, you’re suddenly the local weatherman and you’ll mention how that crosswind “might knock us off a mile per gallon,” even though nobody asked or noticed. But now everyone’s picturing an invisible breeze affecting your trajectory, and you turn down the music so you can “feel the road” better. It’s all part of your mid-drive weather monitoring that no one else really cares about.
You Pack Food and Call It “Provisions”
You could’ve grabbed chips at the gas station, but no—you have turkey sandwiches wrapped in foil and an ice pack that’s older than most road signs. You refer to this pack as “provisions,” and the whole thing is a soft launch into picnic dad mode that you absolutely love. There’s also fruit you pre-cut at 6 AM and a roll of paper towels that lives in the backseat now, as well as mustard packs that you offer like a waiter.
You Tell Everyone to “Use The Bathroom Now”
You don’t care if no one has to go because that rest stop looked clean and you’re not risking a surprise emergency later, so you’ll say things like “Just try.” Someone groans and another person fake pees, but it doesn’t matter because you sleep better knowing they tried. And God forbid if they ask you to pull over later because they need the bathroom.
You Time How Long the Drive-Thru Takes
As soon as you pull into a drive-thru, you immediately glance at your watch, not because you’re not mad but because you’re curious. If it takes too long, you have thoughts, and if it’s quick, you’re ecstatic—you also track how many cars are ahead & estimate how long each order might take. Later, you bring up the wait time and judge the quality of the fast-food place based solely on how quickly they gave you your food.
You Talk About Toll Prices Like Stock Market Trends
Every toll booth is a conversation starter, and you’ll say things like, “That used to be $1.25, now it’s $2.40. Outrageous.” You don’t actually care, but you do feel the need to mention it, and you probably even saved your old toll tickets as proof of the change. If it’s electronic, you glance at the balance, even if you just reloaded it—you also point out upcoming tolls two exits in advance and quietly judge the ones that are still cash-only.
You Use Cruise Control Just to “Test It Out”
When you’re on a road with light traffic, you don’t really need to use cruise control, but why not give it a try? You click it on & mumble something about “keeping things smooth,” and there’s a tiny thrill in letting the car handle it. Once you’re done, you feel oddly satisfied when it holds steady, almost like it’s a completely new piece of technology, rather than something that practically every car has nowadays.
You Mention Road Conditions in Terms of “Tire Wear”
Roads aren’t just “bumpy” but “rough on the treads,” and you feel every crack in the pavement like the car’s a part of you, which causes you to say, “This kind of asphalt eats rubber.” Even though you don’t sell tires, you’ve become aware of their pain, and you might even mention alignment or suspension next. Sometimes you even check the sidewalls when you stop, just to make sure nothing looks “off,” and while no one knows what you’re looking for, you certainly do.
You Narrate What Other Drivers Are Doing
As you drive, you have a full running commentary going, with quotes like, “Look at this guy. No signal. Oh, she’s not gonna make that turn.” It’s not judgment—you’re just giving live coverage of what’s going on, regardless of whether anyone’s actually listening to you. You predict bad lane changes like you’ve got a sixth sense, and you narrate left turns & missed exits. You’re the unofficial voice of the road.
Disclaimer: This list is solely the author’s opinion based on research and publicly available information.
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