The big lie isn’t exactly the one that changes how you see someone, but instead, it’s the little things that really tell you what kind of person they are.
The private decision
‘I didn’t think you needed to know’ sounds calm. It’s kind of mature. Unfortunately, that’s why it’s so dangerous, because you stop thinking about the true meaning.
She’s telling you something else. She decided what information you’re allowed to hear. There was no conversation about it.
No, she didn’t want to give you a chance to decide what matters. She made that decision for you. You’re left dealing with the concealment part. You’re left dealing with what happened once she crossed the line and never looked back.
The deleted trail
‘I only deleted it because I knew you’d get mad.’ Seems okay, right? No.
Her not telling you that means the opposite. Quite the opposite. She’s saying that she removed it before you were able to see it, and that’s a sign something’s up.
Deleting messages or photos by itself doesn’t mean there’s an issue. But it does suggest that she knew enough to clean up the evidence first. It won’t be long before you start remembering things differently.
The delayed opening
You’ll hear ‘I was going to tell you, but…’ when you’ve already started to hear the truth from someone else.
That’s why it hurts. She might’ve planned to actually tell you what was going on, but why did it only come later?
Why was it only after you noticed something or asked another question? Something’s not adding up. The truth is, people deny uncomfortable things until they’re feeling forced into them.
The smaller version
You hear ‘I swear, that’s all it was’ and believe her. Maybe you shouldn’t.
She’s using it to make a text seem like ‘nothing,’ and dinner seem like ‘just food.’ People don’t usually invent entire stories when they’re lying.
No, they make real ones seem a lot smaller than they are because then, at least, they have something to fall back on. She might be giving you the tiny version. She’s hoping that it works.
The narrow answer
It might be true when she says, ‘I said I was out. I didn’t say who with.’
Sure, nobody wants to be lied to, but it’s not right to hide the truth like this.
She tried to push you into making the wrong assumption. It’s something behavioral researchers call ‘paltering.’ So, yes, she said she was out. Yet she deliberately chose to leave out the part that would’ve changed the conversation.
The little loophole
‘You didn’t ask’ sounds clever for three seconds. Then it gets annoying.
Nobody wants to put in all the work to get the basic truth, after all. The missing detail clearly belongs in the conversation.
It wasn’t exactly an innocent mistake to leave it out. She knows that. Being ‘accurate’ is still misleading when you’re trying to make someone look the other way. Don’t listen to what she says.
The private rule
She tells you, ‘I had my reasons.’ Great. She had reasons. How revolutionary.
What were they exactly? Now she’s quiet. Deliberately avoiding the facts isn’t fair. It’s even worse when she’s talking about a hidden choice that involved a person or money.
Anything that affects both of you is something worth talking about. You have to give people a real explanation so they have something to work with. Without it? Then it’s just words. They mean nothing.
No argument today
Peace is always good. That’s why you might think, ‘I was trying to avoid a fight’ is okay.
Sure, it’s fine sometimes, but it shouldn’t be something she keeps saying. Avoiding the truth to avoid an argument isn’t fair. In fact, it just makes that peace fake.
She’s telling you that she knew the truth would matter, and that she wasn’t confused. She simply chose silence first. She was hoping the truth would never come out. It doesn’t seem so harmless anymore, does it?
Sources: Please see here for a complete listing of all sources that were consulted in the preparation of this article.