People don’t always mean to be draining. However, some of their habits make conversations far heavier than they should be, and research has tracked these habits across all sorts of different people who drain others’ energy.
Here are twelve behaviours that suggest someone is doing exactly that to you. Do any of these behaviours sound familiar?
They repeat the same problem
Someone who keeps repeating the same story may be doing something that researchers refer to as “co-rumination.”
It involves telling the story with the same details & same tone, going over the problem again without changing anything; eventually causing everyone else to feel more stressed out. Co-rumination only ever causes those around the person to feel exhausted.
They broadcast every mood shift in real time
Another common behaviour of energy drainers is the fact that they narrate the emotions of their whole day, play-by-play, and they expect everyone else to give them a response.
According to research on emotional contagion, being around constant emotional updates encourages you to feel the same way. It gets rather tiring.
They turn check-ins into one-sided support sessions
It doesn’t matter that they ask you how you’re doing because you’ll barely be able to finish a sentence before the conversation goes right back to them.
It’s a form of uneven support, where one person gives more than they can get & research shows that it causes more strain in a relationship. You end up feeling entirely drained by the whole thing.
They ask for advice but never change the situation
What the other person does with your advice is also important, and you might notice that the other person agrees with everything you say, but returns soon after with the same issue.
Research into coping & repeated problems has found a connection between such behaviour and increased stress. It happens to people on both sides, the listener and the speaker.
They send heavy late-night messages
Venting at night is okay sometimes, but there are some people who insist on sending long emotional updates over & over at midnight, causing the person receiving the messages to feel exhausted.
Studies on empathy fatigue claim that repeated exposure to another person’s issues can make you feel exhausted. It’s especially worse when it happens during the time you’re supposed to rest.
They describe small hassles like full-scale crises
Even the most minor of issues becomes something that gets described in huge detail, almost like a disaster movie, and it’s something that research on co-rumination has looked into.
Focusing so much on negative possibilities, rather than solving problems, causes you to feel more stressed. In turn, you become more drained & you’re unable to deal with much more.
They expect instant replies and worry you’re upset
Anytime that you have a slight delay in responding to their message, they’ll read it as a sign that something’s wrong & they’ll message you almost immediately to check it out.
Research on autonomy support has found that there are many dangers involved in not giving other people space. It causes higher levels of stress in relationships, especially in close ones.
They recruit you as the go-between in their conflicts
It’s not always fun being drawn into someone else’s problems, and that’s particularly true when it happens to you time & time again, where someone retells conversations & asks you for ideas.
Compassion fatigue studies say that it can cause you to feel emotionally exhausted. You become tired of having to deal with their drama without being able to focus on your own issues.
They need constant emotional monitoring
You may come across people who wait for you to notice every change in their mood & expect you to track their emotions for them. Of course, they won’t say much and will simply wait for you to ask them what’s wrong before they spill out every detail of their problem.
Emotional dependence studies say that such reliance causes more strain for those having to monitor.
They treat every conversation like a place to “offload”
You’ve somehow become the person that they always talk to in order to unload whatever issues have piled up in the day, and they never bother to check how your day has been, too.
Emotional labour researchers have looked into the exhaustion that comes from being stuck in the receiving role all the time. You feel depleted because you never get the chance to vent as well.
They expect you to manage the tone of the interaction
Emotional drainers will also rely on you to keep everything together during a conversation, including smoothing things over & stopping any sort of tension.
It gets draining, according to interpersonal emotional regulation research, because you’re having to deal with such a heavy workload. The other person may not admit it, but their behaviour is obvious after a while.
They bring unpredictable emotional intensity
During the most everyday of conversations, the other person completely changes their emotions, and you’re forced to adjust to their tone without any kind of warning.
One minute, they’re completely fine, and the next, they’re extremely heated & that sort of emotional volatility gets tiring. Research shows it’s connected to feelings of more strain in a relationship.
Sources: Please see here for a complete listing of all sources that were consulted in the preparation of this article.