Most friendships feel like an easy ride at one moment. But then they’re rocky roads the next. It’s usually down to harmless habits that seem like nothing, until they pile up & ruin the closeness between the two of you.
Here are twelve habits that often cause strained friendships. What’s something you’ve done, or had done to you, that put distance between you and a friend?
Last-minute cancellations with made-up reasons
Bailing on a get-together happens sometimes, and that’s okay. But what’s not okay is lying instead of being honest. It tells your friend that you don’t care about them because they can usually tell that you’re lying.
In fact, one survey of over 1000 people asked people how they felt about cancellations. The majority of them didn’t mind it & 80% of them said they’d feel hurt by finding out that the reason for the cancellation was a lie. Don’t be that person.
Gossiping negatively about shared friends
Yes, you might feel like you’re bonding in the moment when you talk about a mutual friend behind their back. But social network studies show something different. Gossiping changes how all members in the group view each other. The gossip & the target, as well as the listener, end up seeing the relationship with each other differently.
Sharing a friend’s personal news without asking
You’re crossing a boundary by passing along what a friend told you in confidence. It might feel like nothing, but research on friends’ views of privacy shows how harmful such behavior is. Essentially, you’re destroying someone’s control over their own information. It causes trust to decline & your connection to weakness, so the friendship becomes strained.
Long radio silence after a message or invite
Failing to reply comes across as you being uninterested. It doesn’t matter that you might actually be busy because replying days later makes your friends think that you don’t care about them.
Research has looked into responsiveness in friendships. They have found that healthy relationships need engaged replies to create a sense of reliability. Don’t you want that closeness?
Always being the one who takes and seldom gives
Always being on the receiving end of a relationship isn’t a good thing. You have to return the favour. Why? Because failing to do so causes the relationship to feel uneven, and research has found that sustained imbalance in a friendship can ruin it.
The other person will start to think that there’s no fairness to be had. Don’t be surprised when they decide to ditch the whole thing because the relationship is too strained.
Chronic lateness to plans
A friend who shows up late every time makes other people feel like their time doesn’t matter. Research has found that repeated tardiness can be a friendship killer. It tells the other person that you simply don’t care about their schedule.
They start seeing you as selfish. It totally erodes the trust between you & it doesn’t take long for the relationship to break down entirely.
Mixing friendship and money
You may lend a friend some cash, thinking that’s fine. However, you need to set expectations. Failure to do so, or even assuming that they’ll know how you feel, is only going to make things awkward. In fact, research has looked into this.
One study found that lending money to friends is a form of mixing social & market relationships. It may cause conflict in the relationship that’s impossible to overcome.
Falling into endless “problem talk” loops with no action
Some conversations get stuck in a loop. You have the same issue & same venting, but there’s never a resolution to the actual issue at the core of the situation. Researchers call it “co-rumination.”
They say it only deepens a bond superficially, without actually addressing any of the problems. It may also cause anxiety levels & depression to increase.
Excluding someone subtly or using silent treatment
Leaving a friend off the invite list really hurts. So does ghosting shared conversations, or replying to them in one word. According to research, such behaviour is a form of relational aggression that causes friendships to decline.
The other person starts feeling isolated in the friendship. It doesn’t matter how many times you try to repair the relationship. The damage is done.
Only chatting online and skipping face-to-face time
There’s no denying that texting & posting about your friend can be important. But your friendship shouldn’t be confined to the internet. You’re avoiding an important aspect of friendship when you never meet in person or through video. What is it? Live interaction.
Recent research has found that the more time people spend together in person, the better the connection is between them. It applies to friendships, too.
Assuming a friendship is “set it and forget it”
You might’ve been friends for years. But that doesn’t mean the connection between the two of you will take care of itself. Researchers have repeatedly found that you need to be active in a friendship because it helps to maintain it, whether that’s by reaching out or sharing new experiences.
Being present stops your bond from drifting apart. Conversely, skipping out on relationship work strains your friendship, and there’s no guarantee you can come back from that.
Humblebragging during catch-ups
Not everyone is clear about their bragging. They’ll do something called “humblebragging,” where they give a complaint that actually shows off their achievements, and most friends pick up on it rather quickly. It often feels fake & attention-seeking.
Studies have found that people dislike humblebraggers even more than people who brag directly. They see them as less sincere and less likable in general. They’re hardly personality traits that you want to have in a friend.
Sources: Please see here for a complete listing of all sources that were consulted in the preparation of this article.
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