Divorce is a very personal and emotionally challenging process that can leave anyone vulnerable & unsure about what the future will hold for them. Whenever someone you care about is going through a divorce, it’s easy to feel unsure about what to say. This happened to me once with a close friend and it made me realize how even very well-intentioned remarks can become hurtful.
So, if you are trying to comfort your friend going through this harsh stage in life, try to use your words in a thoughtful, sensitive & supportive way; not judgmental or critical.
Here are 10 things you should avoid saying to someone during this challenging time & why they might do more harm than good.
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“I Saw It Coming”
Even if you suspected that their marriage was in peril, saying this doesn’t help. This might strike you as knowing something, but it may strike your friend as a reminder of their pain being there for all to see. They’re already dealing with enough without feeling like their personal life is being questioned.
“You’ll Be Better Off Without Them”
The decision to divorce is never a pleasant or easy one, even if the relationship isn’t going well. They may still have feelings they’re not ready to let go of.
Maybe your friend is still grieving because she lost her chance to have the marriage she had hoped for. Allow them to let their feelings air and then run to the bright side.
“What Did You Do Wrong?”
It makes your friend feel defensive and suggests blame, which they don’t need right now. Divorce usually arises from multifaceted circumstances, and it’s not one person’s fault.
Instead of asking why, give them a shoulder to cry on & listen to what they’re comfortable with sharing.
“At Least You Don’t Have Kids”
The absence of children is, of course, what makes some elements of divorce easier, but this statement doesn’t undo the impact of ending a marriage.
Even then, your friend may still be grieving in an immense way. So rather than denying what’s going on, accept their pain and let them know you’re there for them.
“You Must Try to Make It Work”
Divorce is usually a last resort after people have tried everything to make their marriage work. And to tell them they should try again is an accusation as if they just weren’t trying hard enough.
Just know they’ve taken the best option for themselves; try to just be there for them.
“You’re Going to Date Soon?”
Asking about their dating future is intrusive. Your friend is probably still coming to terms with their divorce and not yet at the stage where he or she can even consider new relationships. Rather let them heal, then bring it up when they’re ready.
“At Least You’re Free Now”
It might sound positive, but it can feel dismissive of their emotions. The post-divorce person is confused, unsure and even afraid of the future; not free. Don’t try to impose a happy ending upon them, but let them be as they are.
“Divorce Is So Common These Days”
It is true that divorce is more common today than it ever was, but to say this might make your friend feel like their case is not special & significant.
They’re living something very real & painful, and they want to be understood, not reminded of the numbers.
“What’s Going to Happen to the House?”
It’s disrespectful to raise logistical concerns, such as asset division, if your friend hasn’t even figured it out. They are likely already smothered with mundane problems, so try to help them emotionally instead.
“I Never Liked Your Ex Anyway”
Even if you believe this will make your friend feel good, it may not work. They might still be struggling with how they feel about their ex and harsh judgements might make things worse.
Rather than giving your opinion, just be present and be kind.
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