Big romantic moments matter, sure, but so do the little things that even psychological research shows can seriously connect two people.
Go past the biography
It’s easy to get bored by facts. You could try asking, ‘Where did you grow up?’ because, yes, that question is perfectly fine, yet something like ‘What did you actually like about growing up there?’ is a lot more interesting. Asking for someone’s take or memory of something is useful.
It gets them talking about what things actually mean to them, rather than simply describing what happened. That’s personal. As it turns out, self-disclosure research says that sharing emotional information is a great way for people to become more intimate with each other.
Borrow a little adrenaline
Lively dates are a lot more interesting than ones under bright café lights. You know the kind of date, it’s the one where you go on a roller coaster or play mini golf with each other. Anything that raises your heart rate a little is great for building attraction.
Studies show that physical excitement can spill over into a person’s sense of attraction. That effect is only multiplied when it’s with someone already appealing. Don’t take it as a sign to do anything too terrifying, though. You’re just looking for a bit of mild excitement to energize you both.
Leave a thread hanging
Some people think they have to finish every funny story and debate in one sitting. They’re wrong. Yes, it’s actually better to leave the loop open and for there to be an unfinished shared task.
Research shows people feel more compelled to return to it later. That part’s important. You can’t just abandon a shared task and leave it there. No, you have to leave it unfinished and have a reason to complete it, then actually return to it later on.
Find the same beat
The activity itself doesn’t matter for this one. What’s more important is doing something together where your timing has to match the other person’s, even just by a little. It could be as simple as throwing a ball back and forth, maybe dancing badly together.
Whatever it is, you want to make sure you do something in sync with the other person. Studies show people feel more positively toward someone after they’ve moved in time with them. Don’t worry if you’re not good at the activity. Being terrible at it might make it more fun, in fact, and the trigger here is doing the same thing at the same moment.
Make it just between you
Shared secrets don’t have to be as serious as you might think, and honestly, it’s probably better if they’re not serious. Just share a little one with the other person. It could be something as basic as telling them you always steal the crunchy fries first or something.
The fact that you have a shared secret is what matters. Those kinds of small, personal disclosures increase your closeness with the other person, and that’s great for your sense of trust. You’ll create a connection. It all starts with having something that feels exclusive to the two of you.
Let them steer one thing
Don’t feel like you need to plan every little detail yourself. Instead, try giving them a choice that’ll actually lead to the moment changing somehow, like asking them to choose the dessert. Ask them whether to go left or right, as well as whether to sit inside or outside.
It sounds like nothing, but it’s those little choices that matter. You’re giving the other person a chance to give real input, and that’s really important to help your interaction feel more shared. There’s no need for an interview with twelve options, though. One small decision is plenty.
Put the two of you in tomorrow
Two letters can have so much impact. Try saying ‘us’ and ‘we’ during conversations as you talk about the future together. Nothing too serious, of course, you don’t need to start speaking about marriage. But maybe talk about how the other person would lose ‘if we did a cooking contest.’
These sorts of future-based questions get the other person picturing the two of you together. That’s important. As soon as their brain starts building a shared scene, no matter how silly it might be, it helps make the connection seem more concrete.
Make the good moment happen twice
Ask the right question, and good news has a second life. Someone tells you they were offered a new job, and sure, you could tell them, ‘That’s great.’ But you could also be more adventurous. You could ask them, ‘What did they actually say when they told you?’
This sort of question pulls them straight back into the moment, and they get to relive the best part of it. It’s not even that hard to do. Just ask a question when they give you good news, so that you can join in their excitement. You’re not moving on too quickly or merely acknowledging it.
Let them help a little
There’s no reason to do everything yourself. There are plenty of reasons to ask for help. Asking for a favor creates a small sense of involvement, especially when it’s something natural and not staged.
Research shows that people sometimes like another person more after doing them a favor. That’s probably because our brains like making sense of their own behavior. You’ll have to take care to keep the favor simple, however. Asking them to do a big chore for you won’t help.
Sources: Please see here for a complete listing of all sources that were consulted in the preparation of this article.