Emotional manipulators don’t typically come right out and say what they’re doing, but there are certain phrases they say so frequently that most people start to recognize them for the red flags they are.
Dismissed feelings
“You’re too sensitive.”
This statement is usually made to invalidate someone’s feelings instead of talking about why they felt that way in the first place.
Instead of thinking about whether what they said/did was inappropriate, they make you think about how you’re overreacting. They’re basically telling you that you shouldn’t feel that way because nothing they did was wrong, you just got upset.
Joke defense
“I was only joking.”
Manipulators love to say this phrase when something they say doesn’t have the desired effect. Instead of apologizing, they accuse the other person of not being able to take a joke.
They throw the focus off of their offensive statement onto how you reacted. Now the speaker isn’t accountable for hurting you, and you feel guilty for being too sensitive.
Reality doubter
“You’re imagining things.”
This statement is meant to get others to question themselves. Rather than talk about an issue someone may have, they deny that it happened or that it even mattered.
This slowly chips away at a person and makes them question what they remember. Once you start questioning your own judgement, you’ll allow others to control you. This is why this statement can be so powerful.
Confidence crusher
“Nobody else would put up with you.”
This is a phrase that tears down a person’s self-esteem. It’s meant to make you feel like you are hard to love, defective, or fortunate to have them at all.
Said enough times, you become afraid that no one else will want you. This allows people to keep you from leaving unhealthy relationships. It’s less about truth and more about power.
Love test
“If you really loved me, you would…”
Love is weaponized when someone says this. Instead of accepting “no” for an answer, the manipulator suggests that you doing what they want is validation that you love them.
If you say no to their request, it is suddenly proof that you don’t love them or aren’t in love enough. This amounts to extortion with feelings thrown in for kicks.
False consensus
“Everyone agrees with me.”
Nobody likes to feel alone in their beliefs. Manipulators understand this. When they say someone else agrees with them, they make it seem like the other person can’t win an argument.
Sometimes it doesn’t even matter if it’s true. If you begin to doubt yourself and feel like you’re outnumbered, then they’ve succeeded. They’ve used social pressure against you.
Total blame
“You’re the problem.”
Rather than focusing on the problem, this statement makes a whole person the problem. All of the disagreements, miscommunications, and fights somehow become your fault.
Rather than working on solutions, you focus on blaming. This can quickly erode your confidence and self-esteem.
Blame shift
“Look what you made me do.”
Manipulative people use this statement to shirk responsibility. If they are angry, dishonest, or rude, someone else is to blame.
The speaker makes themselves out to be victims who had to respond in such a way. You can end up feeling guilty for things you never did. Responsibility is thrown out and replaced with guilt.
Guilt trip
“After everything I’ve done for you.”
Whenever someone doesn’t agree with them or go along with their wants, all of a sudden, something they did for you ages ago is thrown in your face.
They want you to feel guilty for being selfish or ungrateful because you said no. Instead of addressing the problem at hand, they dredge up ancient history.