It’s amazing how a simple, funny joke with a good twist can lift your spirits.
The job interview
Interviewer: So what is your biggest weakness?
Me: Honesty.
Interviewer: I don’t think honesty is a weakness.
Me: I don’t care what you think.
The talking dog
A guy was walking down the street when he noticed something strange on someone’s front lawn. There was a sign on it that read: Talking Dog For Sale – $10.
Inside, he asked the dog, “How did you come to be like this?”
The dog explained how he was a spy who had been around the world and prevented hundreds of deaths.
“How come you’re selling such a great dog for $10?” asked the man.
The owner sighed. “Because he lies. He hasn’t even been out of the yard.”
The doctor’s advice
A man went to his doctor and said, “Whenever I drink coffee, I feel a stabbing pain in my eye.”
The doctor said, “Well, have you tried removing the spoon from the cup?”
The speeding ticket
A policeman stopped a driver for speeding.
“Sir, you were doing 70 in a 40 mph zone!”
The man laughed. “That can’t be right officer, I only started driving ten minutes ago!”
The forgetful husband
“Honey,” said a wife, “do you know what day it is today?”
Panicked, he bolted out of the house and came back with flowers, chocolates, and a pricey necklace.
His wife was delighted.
Later that night, he timidly asked, “Um, so what were we celebrating?”
“Oh,” she answered, “The beginning of spring.”
The library visit
A man entered a library and yelled, “CAN I HAVE A CHEESEBURGER AND FRIES?”
“Sir, this is a library,” the librarian whispered.
The man leaned in real close and whispered, ” Sorry. Can I have a cheeseburger and fries?”
The clever student
A teacher says to a student: “If you have five apples, and I take three away, what do you have?”
Student: “A serious problem with you.”
The restaurant complaint
A man called the waiter to his table and said, “There’s a fly in my soup!”
The waiter leaned in conspiratorially and said, “Sir, keep your voice down. Everyone else will want one.”
The marriage secret
A husband and wife celebrating their 60th anniversary were asked how they stayed married for so long.
The husband said, “Well, years ago we agreed that I’d make all the big decisions and she’d make all the little ones.”
The wife smiled. “And we’ve gone 60 years without any big decisions.”
The smart grandson
A grandfather asked his grandson, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
“A millionaire, just like you, Grandpa!” the boy replied.
“I am proud of that,” the grandfather smiled. “But I am not a millionaire.”
The boy nodded in understanding. “I know. You want to be one too!”
The bank robber
A robber entered a bank and gave the teller a note demanding $10,000.
The teller calmly took another note and handed it to him.
It said, “Your penmanship is awful. Please try again.”
The neighbor’s lawn
“How do you get your lawn to look so green?” A man asked his neighbor.
“Well, I water it every day. I fertilize it often, and I talk to it.” The neighbor answered.
“You talk to your lawn?” Asked the man.
“Yes. I tell it mostly how much better the neighbor’s lawn looks.”
The expensive hearing aid
“My new hearing aid just arrived,” a man said to his friend. “It cost me $4,000, but it was worth every penny.”
“What kind is it?” his friend inquired.
Glancing at his watch, the man answered, “About 2:30.”
The fortune teller
A guy went to a palm reader. She read his hand and said, “You will be poor and miserable until you’re 40.” “What happens when I turn 40?” he shouted excitedly.
“After you turn 40,” she said, “You’ll learn to live with it.”
The fishing trip
A man came home from fishing. He was gone eight hours.
“Did you catch any fish?” his wife asked.
“I didn’t catch a single fish,” he said.
“Why didn’t you come back sooner then?”
He grinned. “Because the fish weren’t bothering me, either.”
The last wish
A sick elderly man was lying in bed, smelling freshly baked cookies from his wife’s kitchen.
He gathered his strength and slowly walked downstairs, reaching for one.
His wife slapped his hand away as soon as she saw him.
“Don’t touch those!” She yelled.
“They’re for the funeral.”
The marriage counselor
A husband and wife went to see a marriage counselor.
The counselor asked them, “What would you say is the biggest problem in your marriage?”
The husband responded, “My wife gets mad over small things.”
The counselor looked at the wife. “Is that so?”
She sighed. “He forgot our anniversary.”
“Alright,” asked the counselor. “When was your anniversary?”
The husband grinned. “See? She keeps bringing it up, and that was three years ago!”