Just because someone smiles at you doesn’t mean they like you; resentment can rear its head in little ways that you might dismiss until you notice a pattern.
Praise with a sting
When they compliment you, you end up feeling worse than before they spoke. They’ll say things like “You’re so courageous for wearing that” or congratulate you but throw one of your weaknesses back in your face.
Some people just speak thoughtlessly, so let one bad compliment slide. If the same person regularly veils insults in compliments, their niceties might be their way of expressing hostility.
When you start winning
Pay attention to how they react when something truly wonderful occurs for you. If someone cares about you, they may have issues of their own and still muster up a smile when you get that promotion or start dating that special someone or even reach a milestone.
The bitter person may become withdrawn, downplay what you’ve done, or instantly point out why it’s not that big of a deal. Other times, they’ll hastily change the subject to something they’ve done.
Always the punchline
Friendly teasing is common in many healthy relationships. But there’s a line between laughing with someone and laughing at them all the time. If they joke about your looks, intelligence, love life, or insecurities, humor might be masking contempt.
Often the best indicator is when you ask them to please stop. Most caring people will change course; anyone who likes to provoke you might just accuse you of being too sensitive.
Nothing stays buried
We all make mistakes, but your mistakes somehow seem to never go away. Someone will remind you of that stupid thing you did years ago, bring up past failures when you’re arguing about something totally different, or remind other people of mistakes you would just rather forget.
That doesn’t mean friends can’t say things that hurt you. Bringing up something that has been settled, however, over and over can turn into a tactic to keep you down.
Somehow, you missed out
You’re technically a part of the group, but you always find out about events after they occur. The invites come at the last minute, decisions are made without you, or no one remembers asking you because everyone “knew you wouldn’t want to go.”
There’s always a reasonable excuse, and you can’t really question it. Skipping one event isn’t a big deal, but regularly being the only person not invited can say a lot more.
They know where it hurts
Intimate relationships demand vulnerability. You share your insecurities, fears, family issues, and embarrassing stories with people you trust because you believe they will keep those secrets. A person who harbors resentment against you will likely use that information at some point, possibly during a conflict or under the guise of humor.
They know exactly what will wound you because you explained it to them once. Weaponizing private information is a grave red flag whether or not it’s motivated by hatred.
Keeping score
Pretty much anything you do becomes something they have to one-up. Talk about a promotion? They analyze their pay scale. Buy something you love? They have something fancier they’re looking at.
Weddings, vacations, fitness goals, and parenthood can all become contests. It’s healthy to want to compete with your friends every once in a while, but if they’re one-upping you all the time, they might have an issue seeing you happy.
A different face in public
In front of others, they can be your number one fan. You’ll get hugs, compliments, and hear about how wonderful your relationship is. But when you’re alone with them, the affection goes away, and they act cold, insulting, or judgmental.
Not only is this confusing by itself, but everyone else sees someone who seems to love you. If they only show affection when others are around, they may care more about how things look than the relationship itself.
Bad news gets attention
When things are going well for you, your victories are met with little more than a nod of acknowledgment, but let something bad happen, and suddenly they can’t get enough. A break-up, office error, or embarrassing incident is met with questions, texts, and demands to know every minute detail.
They might claim concern, but there’s an excitement there that isn’t present when you’re living your best life. Sure, friends care when you’re going through a rough patch, but they tend to care more about making you feel better than going over and over the most embarrassing parts.
Doubt disguised as concern
Sure, some pieces of caution are exactly what a caring friend would say. Someone can simply shoot down your dreams by asking questions whenever you get excited about something. “Do you know if you’re ready for that?” “Won’t that be dangerous?” “I don’t want you to look stupid.”
Sure, some pieces of caution are exactly what a caring friend would say. But if you notice that their comments make you question yourself every time you’re expanding and thriving, their support may be worth questioning.
Trust the aftermath
Sometimes, there isn’t a singular event you can recall. You just realize that you often feel bad about yourself after you’ve been around them. Maybe you suddenly feel insecure about how you look or find yourself obsessing over something stupid you said or wondering if they think you’re good enough.
Your feelings aren’t evidence that someone secretly hates you, but you shouldn’t continually feel bad after interacting with them. Notice someone’s general pattern of behavior toward you and don’t just look at how frequently they smile and say they’re your friend.
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