Yes, we all care about friends & partners. But we sometimes make them feel alone or unheard, even though we don’t mean to, and these behaviours are surprisingly misunderstood.
Here are eleven actions that friends & partners often see as being unsupportive. Which of these do you do more often than you should?
Brushing feelings away with “it’ll be fine”
Be careful when someone opens up about how they feel. Responding to their worries with comments like “it’ll pass” or “you’re overthinking” is what researchers refer to as emotional invalidation.
They claim it can actually worsen someone’s mood. In fact, during a stressful moment, such comments may cause someone to worry even more.
Changing the subject when someone shares good news
Your partner or friend tells you that they finally got the job they’ve been nervous about. But your response is simply, “Nice,” followed by questions about dinner plans. Such a quick pivot comes across as disinterested. Psychologists refer to it as a “passive-destructive” response because it ignores someone’s happiness.
Researchers have also looked into capitalization, which is essentially the way that people share positive news. Poor responses to capitalization can ruin people’s sense of happiness. They soon start to feel as though you don’t care about them, even when you do.
Comparing your partner or friend to other couples
It’s quite easy to fall into the trap of assuming other people are happier after seeing them on social media. You might even tell your partner about it & suggest they should be more like them. It may be harmless to you. But not to them.
Researchers have studied social comparison in romantic relationships and have found that upward comparisons seriously hurt. They lower people’s sense of satisfaction & trust in the relationship. It’s no fun feeling like you’re being measured instead of appreciated.
Letting messages sit without context
Be honest. You’ve probably left a message or two on read before, thinking that you’d reply later, but then never actually do. It’s what researchers refer to as a kind of ambiguous disengagement. It may not be intentional, yet the other person sees it as a form of rejection.
People expect some kind of response, whether that’s an answer or even a quick comment about how you need some time to think. Without such messaging, people start to feel anxious. Studies have found that a lack of response can actually cause your stress hormones to spike. Who knew?
Using controlling words without noticing
Yes, you might say things like “you have to” or “we need to” without thinking anything of it. But those around you do. Such words shape someone’s freedom, preventing the pair of you from working together, and research shows that losing autonomy support like this can hurt a relationship.
People who can make their own choices in a relationship tend to be healthier than those who don’t. Words like “should” & “must” destroy any sense of autonomy.
Taking over tasks instead of asking
It doesn’t matter that you think you’re helping by jumping in to handle things. Without asking first, the other person will naturally feel sidelined, and numerous studies prove that fact.
It works better when you give visible help that matches a person’s preference. Acting without checking in? That’s only ever going to come across as unsupportive, no matter how good your intentions were.
Skipping thanks for the routine stuff
They helped with grocery bags & they tidied up. That’s no big deal, surely? However, failing to show gratitude hurts the person doing the work, especially since research has found that routine appreciation is strongly connected to relationship satisfaction.
Not acknowledging helpers can be quite harmful. It makes them feel invisible, and that erodes the trust between the two of you.
Assuming tone, instead of clarifying tone
After you read a text from your partner or friend, you think the tone seems off. You move on & feel annoyed. Yet you don’t ask them about it, instead choosing to continue believing in your own assumption. That’s not good.
Digital messaging studies have found that recipients often view ambiguity as negativity. Yet senders don’t always mean that. You shouldn’t leave your friendship up to assumptions, and instead, be honest about how you feel.
Forgetting to close the loop on tiny asks
Forgetting to do what someone asks you to do happens all the time. It’s a natural part of life. Unfortunately, it shouldn’t happen too often because your follow-through matters far more than any big gesture. At least, according to relationship research.
Failing to close the loop tells people that they’re not your priority. Consistently doing so creates a constant feeling that you just don’t care for them. Even when you do.
Rolling eyes or using biting sarcasm in disagreements
Not all arguments involve shouting. In fact, sometimes a snippy comment or quick eye-roll is all it takes for things to go sour. Long-term relationship studies have proven the same idea. They argue that subtle cues of contempt include sarcasm & mocking tones, along with sneers.
They’re strong predictors of worse outcomes. While they might feel automatic to you, the person on the receiving end notices what you’ve done. They won’t forget.
Using “always” or “never” when giving feedback
Words like “always” or “never” label the person, rather than addressing the behaviour. Research from the Gottman Institute has found that these statements trigger defensiveness.
They’re usually tied to greater conflict & less satisfaction in a relationship. It doesn’t take long for the other person to think that you don’t care about them.
Sources: Please see here for a complete listing of all sources that were consulted in the preparation of this article.
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