Words spoken in mere seconds can echo in someone’s mind for years, especially when you touch on an insecurity, past hurt, or something they cannot easily change.
Leave appearances alone
“You’ve gained weight”
If someone hasn’t asked you for your opinion on their weight gain or loss, then chances are your constructive input will fall on deaf ears. You have no idea if the change is due to stress, medication, sickness, pregnancy, life change or something more personal.
Likely they already know their body isn’t how it used to be. Calling attention to it will only create feelings of embarrassment or insecurity.
Being right can wait
“I told you so”
Perhaps you tried telling them, and you were even completely correct. But “I told you so” is a sentence that, once things have fallen apart, typically just illustrates how right you are to someone who is already suffering the consequences of their actions.
There will be a time to talk about what went wrong and how to avoid it in the future. Right now, most people don’t need a lecture. They need help.
Don’t judge the reaction
“You’re too sensitive”
If someone says something hurt their feelings, telling them they’re too sensitive doesn’t fix the problem. Different people can experience the same comment differently; you don’t get to dictate how someone else feels. You can argue with how they interpreted it, but not how they reacted. Telling someone they are too sensitive usually ends the conversation rather than discussing what hurt their feelings.
The bright side can hurt
“At least…”
Someone says something upsetting, and our knee-jerk reaction is to find the silver lining. “You still have another kid.” “You still have a job.” “At least it’s not x, y, or z.” While most people say these things to try and help, it can make someone feel like their hurt or disappointment isn’t valid. Just because something isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you doesn’t mean you aren’t truly upset about it.
Some questions go too far
“Why aren’t you married yet?”
Questions about relationships may seem innocent enough, especially around relatives at gatherings. However, they can involve someone’s personal situation you may have no knowledge of.
They may have gone through a bad divorce, may be finding it difficult to meet someone, might not want to get married, or just don’t want to talk about their love life. The same goes for asking newlyweds when they plan on having kids. Just because you’re curious doesn’t mean you’re entitled to that information.
Not quite a compliment
“You look tired”
Though typically intended to show concern, what most people hear when someone comments on their appearance is, “You look horrible today.” Maybe they didn’t get enough sleep last night, maybe they have a bad situation going on, or maybe they just happen to look like their normal self.
Regardless, telling someone that they look bad is almost never going to make their day better. If you truly care about someone, it’s much kinder to ask them how they’re doing than to tell them how tired they look.
Two useless words
“Calm down”
There are few things that will anger someone more than telling them to calm down. When someone is already worked up, a demand to calm down can feel demeaning. It implies that their emotional reaction is the problem instead of whatever made them react. Telling someone to calm down can even make them angrier because they feel like they have to justify their emotion.
Pain isn’t a competition
“Other people have it worse”
Almost every bad situation can be compared to something worse. It doesn’t erase the pain that the original person felt. Losing your job doesn’t make you okay because someone lost their house. Heartbreak still hurts even though someone had a worse tragedy. Comparisons of suffering almost never give someone perspective on their situation. It makes them feel guilty about having completely valid feelings.
Watch the absolutes
“You always…” or “You never…”
Absolute statements make conflict over one behavior feel like an assault on someone’s entire being. “You never listen” or “You always ruin everything” also allows the other person to easily invalidate you: they just have to think of one time when you weren’t speaking literally.
Talking about the behavior itself (what happened, why you were bothered, and what you’d like to be different) almost always leads to a more productive conversation.
Humor doesn’t erase it
“It was just a joke”
Humor isn’t a free pass for what you say. If you insult someone, joke about a known weakness or insecurity, or divulge private information about them, telling them they shouldn’t be offended likely won’t go over well.
Everyone tells a bad joke now and then, and it doesn’t make them a bad person. What matters is what you do next. Apologizing that you crossed a line will typically show much more maturity than telling someone they should have laughed.
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