As a parent, it is easy to lose track of the fact that your adult children are no longer the little ones who had looked up to you for advice & guidance. You will always love them but just like everything else in life and nature, your relationship with them might change with time.
When these kids are all grown-up, what you say to them, even with good intentions, can have a lasting impact on how close you remain to each other.
Sometimes certain things you say may feel like criticism and drive them away instead of letting you closer.
Let’s look at 10 things you should not say to your adult children.
Life Choices
You’d love to talk about where your children are, what they’re doing or even what they do when they have time. But telling them you don’t like it or trying to steer them away from a decision can be controlling.
It might come across as mistrust of their judgment. Instead, be curious & hopeful, ask questions & celebrate their decisions.
Comparing Them to Others
Whether it is siblings, friends or colleagues, comparing your child to others can undermine their self-esteem & make them feel like a failure.
Kids have their own talent and path in life. If you celebrate their individuality and achievements, you can ease their fears about fitting in with the crowd.
Bringing Up Past Mistakes
We all make mistakes & your child probably has made some too. Always reminding them of their past mistakes about relationships, money decisions, missed opportunities or failures, can cause them to get caught up in a situation they’re trying to overcome.
Just be thankful for how far they’ve come and forget the past.
Prying Into Their Personal Relationships
Questions about their partner, dating life or why they’re not married can feel intrusive & judgmental. Things are very personal in relationships & not everyone feels they can divulge everything.
Even well-intentioned things like “When will you settle down?” can overwhelm them. Leave room for them to speak about their own life, however they want.
Critiquing Their Parenting
And, if your adult children have kids, please don’t be so quick to criticize them for their parenting. And saying “That’s not how I brought you up” or giving free advice on discipline, habits or education can come off as patronizing.
We all would love to share our experiences, but it is much more useful to just listen & support.
Pushing Your Expectations
Comments like “I thought you’d be married by now, or ‘I expected you to have a bigger job” sound dismissive. It’s true that parents often have dreams for their kids, but sometimes sharing them can make children feel like they’re falling short. Instead, try to appreciate where they are in life now & what they’ve accomplished.
Mentioning Financial Help Again & Again
Reminding your adult children constantly of how much you paid for their education, or for their upbringing can make them feel guilty. They will also get the feeling that the bond you share is conditional.
Your financial contributions shouldn’t determine your relationship with them.
Commenting on Appearance
Comments about weight, clothing, or grooming can be deeply hurtful. Even silly comments, such as “You’ve gained a little weight” can evoke insecurities or hurt self-confidence.
Rather, keep it light-hearted & compliment their personality, accomplishments, or non-physical characteristics.
Downplaying Their Struggles
Comparing your struggles and hardships to theirs doesn’t help. Every generation is different & faces a unique set of challenges. So, it’s important to acknowledge their struggles without minimizing them.
Pressuring Major Decisions
Buying a house, having kids or changing careers are personal life choices. You might have your opinions, but allow your kids to make decisions about the best things for their lives.