Behind many repeated complaints is a real problem, but saying the same thing for the hundredth time may not be the best way to solve it.
“You never listen to me”
Few things put someone on the defensive quicker than hearing they never listen. Occasionally there may actually be a communication issue, but “never” generalizes one instance into a statement about the whole relationship.
Most guys would prefer you tell them exactly what they missed or what you need from them instead of telling them they can’t listen.
“You never help around the house”
Chores are absolutely grounds for fighting in a relationship if someone is shouldering an unreasonable load. However, saying “you never help” ignores what your partner does do and sounds blaming.
A constructive conversation about the division of labor involved in cooking, cleaning, laundry, childcare, home repairs, etc. can be more helpful than mentally keeping score.
“Why can’t you be more like him?”
Comparisons to another woman’s husband, an ex, a brother-in-law, or even some fictional ideal guy can be hurtful. No one likes being told someone else is richer, more romantic, more successful, or more attentive.
If something is lacking in your relationship, most men would rather hear what their partner wants than be told another man obviously does it all.
“You’re always on your phone”
Sometimes, this complaint is warranted, particularly when your phone interrupts date nights or family dinners multiple times. However, it can become annoying when every couple of minutes you spend responding to messages, reading the news or killing time online is seen as slight.
Couples may have to compromise on times when both partners turn off their phones and focus on one another.
“We never go anywhere anymore”
Each partner may have different ideas about what “quality time” is. To one person, quality time means restaurants, trips, and pre-made plans, while the other person really enjoys spending quiet evenings together at home.
The request gets old when you say it over and over without defining what will help you feel more connected. “Can we get a dinner date planned for this weekend?” lets someone give you a clear yes or no.
“You’re not romantic anymore”
There are often more surprises, crazy dates, and non-stop attention in the beginning of relationships than there are after years of jobs, bills, kids, and responsibilities.
This doesn’t always mean the love is gone. Many times men show love in helpful ways, like fixing something that’s broken, brewing your coffee, driving you to somewhere you need to be, or helping out with something that’s troubling you, instead of filling your world with flowers and grand gestures.
Partners may even have to verbally tell each other what makes them feel loved instead of thinking they should know by now.
“You don’t tell me how you feel”
Men often have difficulty articulating emotions, especially if they were taught as children not to show weakness. Asking them repeatedly to explain exactly how they feel can cause them to shut down even more.
It doesn’t mean you should give up the dialogue of emotions; it just means giving them some room to have an honest talk may prove more effective than expecting them to give you the right answer instantly.
“You spend too much time with your friends”
Having friendships outside your relationship is perfectly healthy for both parties involved. Issues can develop when hanging out with friends or going out starts interfering with family life or your time together, but wanting friends should not be viewed as cheating.
Most relationships require some sort of middle ground where both individuals can have their own friends and social life while still making time for each other.
“I have to tell you everything”
This complaint can often be heard when one partner feels burdened with remembering dates, household tasks, children’s needs, birthdays, etc. That slight resentment is valid.
However, nagging someone about needing reminders could just lead to more fighting. Instead, you can come to an agreement on who is responsible for what so you don’t have to babysit your partner.
“You’ve changed”
Couples do not remain identical after 10 years together, or 20, or 30. Careers, kids, aging, stress, grief, and life experience alter people’s personalities and priorities. Rather than hurling “you’ve changed” as an accusation, it’s better to figure out what has changed and if the partners need to reconnect.
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