Setting boundaries with manipulative people isn’t easy. No matter how hard you try, they never seem to listen to you, and always manage to twist whatever you tell them. It doesn’t have to be that way.
Here are ten responses that research says could help you to create boundaries with manipulative people. Which one do you like the best?
Using a firm “I’ve decided” line
Research shows that it’s useful to say, “I’ve already decided, so I’m not reopening this,” whenever a manipulative person tries to change your opinion. The other person keeps circling around the topic.
But such a response keeps things simple & avoids unnecessary back-and-forth. Boundary-setting research indicates that clear & assertive statements help you maintain your autonomy.
Naming discomfort and changing the subject
You could try saying, “That topic doesn’t work for me. I’m changing the conversation.” It may work when a manipulative person is trying to push you into feeling pressured.
Studies show that being so open & honest about your discomfort stops the other person from digging further. It also changes the subject.
Refusing on-the-spot decisions
It’s really annoying when someone keeps pressuring you into making a decision. But that’s when you should try saying, “I don’t answer things right away. If I’m interested, I’ll get back to you.” It’s supposedly a great way to shut down a person who’s trying to rush you.
The line slows everything down. Clinical research says delaying responses gives you more control of a situation.
Separating care from compliance
Psychological boundary research claims that differentiating between emotional connections & forced duties is important. That’s where the line, “I care about you, but I’m still not doing that,” helps.
It works when the other person is trying to use emotions to make you do what they say. The line keeps things respectful & short enough so nothing can be twisted.
Linking behaviour to ending the conversation
You could also try stopping manipulation before it happens. Try saying something along the lines of, “If this keeps going the same way, I’m going to leave the conversation,” because it creates a rather plain boundary. There’s no drama.
The next step is quite predictable. Studies on boundaries state that making consequences clear strengthens interpersonal limits.
Handing responsibility back without fixing
You don’t have to handle everything for other people, no matter what they tell you. They should know that. Try saying, “I get that it’s hard, but I’m not the one who can handle that for you,” when someone keeps giving you problems to deal with.
Why does it work? According to research, it’s because it acknowledges the situation & redirects responsibility.
Asking for a clear, concrete request
There’s real power in simply asking questions. The question, “So what exactly are you asking me to do here?” is useful when conversations get confusing, since it forces the other person to spell everything out.
Now, there’s no open space for a manipulative person to fill. Studies claim that clear requests are a key part of healthy boundary communication.
Citing a full week instead of arguing
You may want to rely on one saying for when someone’s trying to make a request. Try saying, “My whole week’s packed so I’m not adding anything else,” even when your week isn’t really that busy.
Such a phrase helps shut down any “quick” favors that always become something bigger. Focusing on the schedule avoids anyone from feeling guilty.
Setting a rule about drop-ins
Never underestimate the power of a simple rule. At least, that’s what the research suggests, as a sentence like, “Text me before you come over, or I won’t answer the door,” can be rather important.
The line prevents manipulative people from showing up & forces them to make plans. The research says you need to create access rules to protect your personal space.
Limiting how often plans can change
“If plans change more than once, I’m not going,” is a line that’s hard to say. But it works. It stops you from being dragged through endless updates with the expectation of adapting. The line creates a limit.
Manipulative people usually get the hint once the rule stays the same each time, and studies on relationships suggest you need scheduling norms to support clarity.
Sources: Please see here for a complete listing of all sources that were consulted in the preparation of this article.