11 Subtle Yet Harmful Behaviors of Women With Covert Narcissism

Has anyone ever been around a person that feels wrong but you can’t tell exactly why? They’re not overtly nasty, yet somehow you just always feel fatigued or confused after hanging out with them. It might be covert narcissism on display – especially if they know how to keep their actions under the radar. Women with covert narcissism are particularly dangerous since their behavior is so low-key they’re easy to miss. I’ve been there – and let me tell you it’s grueling trying to determine why things never quite feel right. Let’s take a deeper look at some of these subtle behaviors so you know to avoid them and protect your peace.

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Passive-Aggressive Comments

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You will seldom hear them yell at you or openly criticize you. Rather, they’ll say things that sound nice but have a little bite to them. Like “Oh, you’re wearing that to dinner? I wish I could be that bold!”’ It’s how they make you feel worse without being rude in the first place. These are small snippets that eventually eat away at your self-esteem – you will always feel like you are doing something wrong.

Playing the Victim

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They know how to turn anything around and make themselves look like the party who was hurt. For instance, if you confront them about something they did, they may tear up and go “Oh my God, how could you think I’d ever hurt you!” Now you’re the bad guy because you brought it up – then you’re left feeling guilty even when you didn’t do anything wrong.

Fishing for Compliments

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They’re not the type that say, “Hey, tell me I look good.” They’ll make self-depreciating remarks that practically make you tell them they look. For instance, they might wince in a loud voice: “Ugh, I feel so old in this dress,” while you chirp back: “What? ‘No, you are fab!’ This is a clever way of getting the attention they want, without being obvious.

Emotional Withholding

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They won’t tell you exactly what’s wrong when they are mad. Rather, they will shrug it off, stay distant, or they’ll simply say, “You should know why I’m upset” – this is super frustrating because you don’t even know what you did. This is how they keep you on your toes & try to make you struggle more to earn their trust or re-establish your place with them.

Subtle One-Upping

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They can’t give you the spotlight, even for a second. They’ll jump in with a story about what they did better or bigger if you’re happy about something. If you say, “I just started running 5Ks,” and they’d say something like, “That’s great! ‘I remember when I ran my first marathon.’ This might not always be obvious – but enough so that you feel like your success is being forgotten.

Chronic Blame-Shifting

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Nothing is ever their fault. If something doesn’t work out, they’ll twist the narrative until it’s someone else’s fault – often yours. For instance, when they forget a date, they’ll say “Well, you didn’t tell me, so how could I know?” It’s like they’re allergic to accountability – you are always the one who is stuck paying for their fault.

Feigning Humility

Are you talking about me? Indoor shot of emotional angry indignant teenage lady screaming out loud, pointing fingers at herself while squabbling with her boyfriend, looking irritated and annoyed.
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They love to pretend to be modest and stoic – but it’s all pretense. They might say, “I’m just not good at this,” but they’re waiting for you to reply, “What are you talking about? ‘You’re so amazing!’ It’s how they hunt for compliments without sounding like they’re asking for them.

Undermining Others

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Women with covert narcissism can subtly put other people down to make themselves look better. It’s not so much bullying – it’s like sowing seeds of doubt. For instance, they might say “She’s really nice, but I don’t think she’s up to the job.” They sound worried, but the truth is – they want you to think badly of someone and help them build their credibility.

Fake Empathy

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They’ll pretend they care but only superficially. For example, if you’re frustrated by something, they will say all the nice things like, “That must be so hard for you,” and then start taking the conversation to their troubles. It’s not actual compassion — it’s a game they play to pretend to be compassionate and bring back the attention on themselves.

Jealousy Masquerading as Concern

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When you do something amazing, they’ll pretend to worry about you instead of being happy for you. For instance, they might say something like “Are you sure promotion is a good idea? It’s going to be too much work for you.”  This sounds nice – at a deep level, it’s their envy. They don’t want you to outdo them so they disguise it as “concern” so you don’t feel too self-confident.

Strategic Kindness

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They’ll go out of their way to do something nice, but only if it’s in their own interests. For instance, they’ll bake cookies for a party, but only so everyone will applaud them for their generosity. When nobody’s looking, however, they won’t stop to lend a hand. All of their generosity is always conditional – it is about securing their image & not actually helping others.

Disclaimer: This list is solely the author’s opinion based on research and publicly available information.

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