Family relationships can be complicated. At times, you feel like no matter what you do — you are the person responsible when something fails. It’s easy to fall into a trap of thinking you’re the issue when everyone around you pretends you are. But that’s not always true. Most of the time, the one who holds it all together is actually the one who gets all the blame. If you’re trying your hardest and still not being treated fairly – maybe it’s time to start taking a more detailed look at what is really happening. Here are 10 clues that show you’re not the problem in your family — even though everyone else says you are.
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You Apologize More Than Others
If you apologize often – even when you are not the one who has caused the offense – then you are probably not at fault. In most households, it is always one person who is held responsible for everything. That person may feel compelled to simply say “sorry” to maintain peace. If this is you – you probably don’t mean to cause trouble, but just to clean up. Whoever is actually making trouble almost never apologizes. Instead, they blame others.
You Avoid Arguments
Do you go out of your way to avoid conflict? You could – for instance – keep silent when something upsets you, because you don’t want to offend anyone. That is a sign that you are trying to maintain the family unit rather than break it. People who are the real source of conflict often don’t think twice before starting arguments or complaining. If you are always choosing your words carefully & suppressing your emotions to keep the peace – you obviously aren’t a problem. Rather, it’s you who is attempting to stop things from getting worse.
You Take on Responsibilities Others Ignore
If you are the one taking on tasks that no one else really wants to do, you’re not the issue. For example — perhaps you’re the one that pays the bills or gets the laundry done or has family plans organized. You could also be the one who hears everyone’s problems but doesn’t get the same support in return. That is often because families depend on whomever is most reliable to handle everything. And if others in your family don’t do anything or leave everything to you, it’s not because you’re bothering them – it’s because they’re assuming you’ll take care of it.
You’re Often the Mediator
Are you there to mediate a fight or resolve conflict between relatives? If so, then you’re not the problem. It is generally the mediators who want everybody to be happy, and make sure that things don’t go out of hand. If you’re the one everyone goes to for advice or to fix things up – it’s because they know you’re trustworthy and fair. The actual problem usually lies with the people who are always arguing or refusing to compromise.
You Feel Drained After Family Interactions
When you’re spending time with your family and find yourself drained emotionally – it’s possible that you’re carrying all the weight of the family’s emotions. People who themselves are the cause of the trouble often feel energized or justified after stirring up drama. Conversely, if you’re the one trying to keep it all together, it’s tiring. You can walk away from family events feeling stressed or overcommitted – not because you did anything wrong – but because you’re making sure that everyone is okay.
You’re Overly Criticized for Small Mistakes
Do family members criticize you over small issues – such as forgetting a small task or making an honest mistake? This can occur when someone gets wrongly identified as the “problem” of the family. When you’re constantly criticized, you might feel that it’s all your fault – But criticizing is often just a way for others to deflect attention from their own issues. If you’re being singled out for things that others get away with, it’s likely that the real problem isn’t you.
You Feel Like You’re Walking on Eggshells
If you’re constantly feeling that you have to tiptoe around certain family members in order not to make them angry, you’re not the issue. Troublemakers usually don’t worry about what their behavior does to others. But if you’re constantly trying to avoid saying or doing the wrong thing – that’s an indicator that you care about other people’s feelings. This is common in families where a person or couple dominates the situation and everyone else must adjust themselves to maintain harmony.
Your Concerns Are Often Ignored
Have you noticed that when you try to share your feelings or concerns, they’re dismissed or brushed off? This happens when families aren’t willing to tackle the root of their problems and blame somebody else. If you are shushed or told you are “too sensitive” when you express legitimate objections — that isn’t because you’re the issue. It’s more likely that they don’t want to be responsible for what they are doing.
You’re the First to Help in a Crisis
If something goes wrong in your family, are you the first one people contact? This can be because they believe you can deal with tough things, even if they blame you for small things. People who are truly problematic usually aren’t the ones others rely on in a crisis. If you are the one people turn to when things don’t go as planned, then it is because they believe you are reliable and competent – even if they don’t always treat you so.
You Often Feel Like the Outsider
Do you feel like you don’t fully fit in with your family, even though you’re always trying to do the right thing? That happens when families find a “scapegoat” to justify their troubles. If you feel like a stranger, it doesn’t mean you are the problem, just different and that no one else will ever understand you or appreciate you. Perhaps you are smarter, more caring or self-sufficient than the rest of your family and it bugs them.
Disclaimer: This list is solely the author’s opinion based on research and publicly available information.
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